‼️‼️ Toxic Relationship ‼️‼️

I’m not posting on here because I want to be judged. I know that we all screw up and do wrong things. I would just like some constructive advice, and a safe place to talk.

Two years ago, things got really rocky between my husband and I. We had been married for two years at that point, and together for four. We were at a bad place, and he was not a safe place for me, and I disrespected him a lot, and we just did not work well together. Emotionally we were OK for a few days, and then we would have a big argument, and something would get broken, horrible things will be said to each other, there would be lots of swearing and cussing each other out, and then somehow we would apologize and come back together.

This continued to build up overtime, and one day I had just had enough, and started talking to a couple of guys on the Internet. One thing led to another and I ended up cheating on my husband. I know that is an absolutely horrible thing to do, and honestly I just wanted him to feel as crappy as he had made me feel time and time again. He had an anger problem, and there have been so many things broken in our home, but I had just had enough.  (A window, my laptop, a door frame, glasses, dishes, chairs, picture frames, etc) I did not want to deal with it anymore, and I was fully prepared to move out, and just start over again.

I ended up coming forward and telling him that I cheated.

His response was to get angry and kick me out of the house, which I totally understood. Fast forward to today. We got back together, I got pregnant, gave birth to my son, and my son is now 10 months old. Things have been so rocky lately, and it seems like we go one week without good and then we have a massive argument and things will begin. I’m not sure if I’m toxic to him because of cheating or if we are just not good for each other. Honestly deep down inside I don’t wanna leave him, because I love him. But there are so many things that are difficult to navigate through at this point.

He still throws and breaks things when he gets angry, cusses me out, has no problem yelling at me in front of our son, and constantly bringing up the fact that I cheated on him two years ago. When things get difficult, he smokes weed and drinks, and lately he has been leaving on the weekend, and being gone for most of the day, and I usually don’t know what he’s up to. Because I cheated on him two years ago, he feels it’s necessary to have full access to everything I do online at any time, and I agree. I allow him to go through my phone if you wants to, and sometimes he will go through all of my messages, the check you have been speaking with. I have nothing to hide and I don’t care that he does this.

However, he is not ever OK with me being on his phone. He has a passcode on it, which I am not allowed to know. A lot of times he doesn’t even want me to know who he’s hanging out with, because he says I will just judge him. He’s told me that he struggles with massive depression, and I have caused him more pain in his life than anyone else. Today when I asked him what he wanted from me, he told me that he wanted me to take a gun and just kill him right there to end his pain. 

He says I’m a dirty person, and he lives with a pig. I’m a stay at home mom, and my house is cleaner than almost all of my friends houses that I’ve ever been to. I do laundry and clean almost daily, I’d help with taking care of all of our animals, I cook food from scratch, I make his breakfast and pack a lunch for his work every day, if he starts snoring like a log at night I don’t wake him up, instead I move and sleep somewhere else so that he gets a full night of sleep. He will completely explode if he finds a dish that hasn’t been properly rinsed off in the sink. If you find a wrapper from a granola bar, or from some kind of snack somewhere other than the trashcan, he gets angry.

He absolutely hates changing diapers, he has never given my son a bath. He does not like to feed my son at dinner time, because he wants to be able to eat his own food and watch Netflix.

I just feel exhausted, emotionally and physically. I have had a friend since I was a little girl, that he doesn’t even want me Hanging out with anymore. He does not want me to be best friends with her, because her mom is an awful person, and literally tried to put him in jail by making up stories about him. I understand his point of view and I am so desperate to not have my marriage end that I’m literally willing to block this friend out of my life.. I can’t trust my mom, because she tells everyone everything, and other than my best friend and my mom, I literally have no one to talk to. When we’re going through an argument, or having a fight, people tell me to shut the fuck up, and so I’m left not be able to say anything to him, or anyone.

He will usually come back later, and make sure that I didn’t text or call anyone.

I just want to know, if any of you ladies were in a situation like this, what would you do?

• he is not willing to sit down with me to talk with anybody else, and he is totally against counseling.

• he has just told me he thinks we should just treat each other better

• lately, he is always bringing up how all his friends have these great relationships with their wives, and the guys are so lucky to have women that they can be real with, and how they just had it so good. I have started saying good for them, and being sarcastic at home, because I hate hearing about it.

• I just wanna do what’s absolutely best for my son, and if that means staying with my husband and really trying to work on things, and becoming a better person, I will. I’m afraid of leaving, because I literally have never gone to college, I have no idea what I would do if I left.

• we have a joint bank account, and I have no idea how to start saving money for myself without him knowing, and at the same time a part of me wishes I had a great back up plan. After the fight that we had today, I highly doubt that he is going to want to stay married, and I almost feel like just disappearing while he’s gone hanging out with his friends.

UPDATE **

• In June of this past year, I called the cops on him, because of the domestic violence situation they got out of control. He ended up staying in jail for a couple of days, having to appear before a judge, and he did come back home, on probation and with the guarantee that he would go to anger management classes. He blames me for how difficult these last several months have been for him, because I had to go and call the cops on him.

He continually reminded me that he never did anything against me when I cheated on him, because he was loyal to me and didn’t want my reputation to be soiled. I am so grateful that he did that, but multiple people have found out that I cheated anyway, and so I don’t understand why he keeps using it as an excuse for his being angry that I reported him to law-enforcement.

I just have no idea what to do, and could really use some advice from you guys.

Here’s a picture of me and my son. He is the light of my life, and I will do whatever it takes to give him the best life

possible