feeling overwhelmed!!!!(⚠️warning)

I suffer from anxiety and use to self cutting when I was 16 up to 18 on and off then I stopped and now I am 24 and still suffer from anxiety I also take medication but sometimes the overwhelmed anxiety attacks come back and when they do I want to cut myself so badly and it makes me feel like a monster and disgusted by myself why do I get these urges I don’t do it most of the time but I fight it they don’t happen often only when the anxiety is so bad i want to burst I think to myself why am I broken why does my brain tell me to do this to myself why does cutting feel good I relapsed once and cut myself recently hadn’t in years and I am grossed out by myself I am 24 years old and still fighting this