I was pressured into losing my virginity :(

Hello... I've been feeling really bad and guilty about this lately so I wanted to share this with you guys and hopefully get some advice :((

I'm 18 right now and I lost my virginity when I was 16 and I really regret it.

He invited me to his house along with some friends of ours but I arrived first. We had been flirting for a few days so I was expecting something to happen, but I didnt plan on losing my virginity that day. He also had just come out of a relationship and I knew he hadnt got over that but we were friends and had been friends since we were kids so I trusted him and thought things would be fine.

I hadn't even had my first kiss, so when he kissed me it was actually my FIRST kiss! And since we were alone and our friends hadn't arrived yet he wanted to make out with me but I didn't know how to kiss so I was really embarrassed and tried to avoid that but eventually I kissed him (and tbh, it was really bad, quick and really embarrassing).

He would try to touch my butt and I'd tell him not to but he'd insist despite me saying no and taking his hands off. He then kept asking me to have sex with him and I kept saying no. Then, he forcefully took my shorts and underwear off and I was upset but didn't know what to do because I had never been with anyone ever, I had never kissed anyone, had never flirted with anyone besides him and we were flirting by texting so it was also my first ever experience in person!

So he kept asking me to have sex with me and I didn't want to but when he took my shorts and underwear off he said "but we are already here" so I gave in and said "ok". I didn't really want to but when he said that I felt like I had to? I felt like I had to do that because we were already there in his room, already there with my pants off, and I had gone there so I had to.

And the sex was really bad too. I didn't feel anything and didn't do anything, I just let him penetrate me and it sucked. When he finished he asked me if it was good and I was so upset I said "no" to his face!

He then asked me to be his girlfriend and I was so overwhelmed by that and so confused and just said "ok" but I also really didn't want to? I was so upset with the whole situation and didn't want to be his girlfriend at all! I was feeling so humilliated and embarrassed but didn't want anyone to know I was upset, I was feeling so stupid because I had allowed myself to be in that situation, so when my friends arrived I acted as if everything was fine, but it wasn't.

He tried to kiss me multiple times after that but I'm really shy and insecure and didn't know how to kiss so I'd refuse to kiss him everytime and just gave him light and quick pecks once or twice because he'd insist too much and not let me go if I didnt do that.

2 or 3 days later he said he didn't want to date me anymore and I was so relieved! My mother even noticed that during that period I was really upset and sad and kept asking me if anything was wrong, so when he broke up with me I was really relieved and happy I wasn't in that situation anymore and my mom noticed I was feeling better after that too!

I pretented I was fine to my friends and to him for a few days or weeks (I dont really remember the exact time bc it's been literally two years, this happened in september or october) and then I cut off contact with him. I haven't talked to him since then and don't really want to either because I really regret that whole situation.

I feel so bad, guilty, used and so stupid! He just used me because his girlfriend had left him and I feel so stupid. I didn't want to lose my virginity the same day I had my first kiss and I feel so dirty because of that. And I feel guilty because I allowed that to happen. I feel guilty because I shaved my vulva that day just in case he touched it or if someone saw pubic hair coming out of my shorts (because when im wearing short shorts sometimes you can see them in my bikini area so I have to shave). I feel like since I had shaved my pubic hair I basically was asking for it. But I really didn't want to have sex with him that day, I didn't want him to touch me there, I just thought I should shave just in case he did that but I didn't think things would happen the way they happened. I did that just in case because some people are really judgemental about pubic hair and I didn't want anyone to think bad things about me (he had told me he thought pubic hair was disgusting). I feel so guilty because the fact that I had shaved makes me think I asked for it. I feel so stupid and dirty. Why would I want to lose my virginity the same day I had my first kiss? (If that happened to anyone here I just want to say that if it was youe decision and your choice it is absolutely okay and fine to do that! I just personally didn't want to because I didn't feel comfortable or ready to lose my virginity). I just feel so bad and I wish that had never happened.

Today I'm 18 and in a loving and caring relationship with someone I love and trust, and I'm his first and only girlfriend and the only person he has had sex with and I feel so bad, guilty, and dirty because I can't say he's also my first and only just because of that horrible experience :( I feel so stupid and used