BDSM?

Okay.

Big topic.

This is gonna get deep and personal because I’ll be talking about sexual abuse and sex in general in a very NSFW way.

So when I was 9 I was being raped and molested by an older male figure in my life who I saw as someone I could trust and rely on. (Not my father, just to clarify. He didn’t know about it until last year.)

It went on for several months, he exposed me to things on the internet that my young eyes should have EVER seen. Videos of rape, threatening the video to become a reality if I fought back.

I went to therapy when I was 17/18 and walked through the trauma.

Fast forward, to where I am now.

I’ve got a super healthy and committed relationship with the best man I could ever dream of. We’ve been living together for several months now and things are going great.

Our sex life has always been amazing, but repetitive. No complaints but I was getting more and more open to adding some other elements in the bedroom.

I hadn’t really told him that yet but the other night he gently placed his hand on my head to guide it down back onto the pillow and something inside me flipped. I didn’t only want- I NEEDED to be manhandled a little bit.

He placed his hand on my neck and that really did it for me.

I’ve spent the past few days looking into some BDSM practices and learning more about it and I now know I’m definitely a Sub. (Submissive).

My question would be, do you guys think these two events are tied, and could potentially harm me mentally if it’s a trauma processing thing or something?

Or perhaps since I was taken advantage of during formative years, my brain connects being held down/forcefully (even if it’s consensual) moved or grabbed, with sex?

Idk. Thoughts?