It's late and I'm anxious!

I'm kinda just venting 🤷🏾‍♀️

I'm the dumbass that created the poll yesterday about having sex with my husband 4weeks postpartum and he didn't pull out🤦🏾‍♀️🤦🏾‍♀️.I'm just freaking myself out but it's almost 3am and I can't talk to anyone right now so typing it out was the next best thing. It sounds stupid asf but I've been cramping all day and my anxiety has gone into hyperdrive. I'm nervous at the idea of peeing on a stick in 2 weeks and seeing 2 pink lines. I also know that if I see two little pink lines my marriage will be irreversibly changed. Husband wants to me to abort and I don't want to like at all but I feel like I'd have no choice really😭. I understand why he wants an abortion and I totally get it. I just don't think I can handle that mentally. Uuuggghhhhh! He said he'd understand if I didn't but I feel like secretly he'll hate me b/c I know he doesn't want a 4th kid right now. But I keep telling myself "you might not even end up pregnant calm down" but the other side of me is flipping out. Also since I'm still on maternity leave and husband's the only one working money isn't as freed up as it usually is so buying a plan B after just paying bills and kids winter shopping a few days ago is a NO🤦🏾‍♀️🤦🏾‍♀️. Ugh! I'm done ranting now. Carry on🙃