Just so sad and anxious

I got completely blindsided yesterday at my midwife appointment when my midwife told me she thinks my baby MIGHT be breech. I'm 39 weeks on Saturday and this is the first I'm hearing anything of it. The maternal testing unit at the hospital has no appointments available for ultrasounds to verify the position. I'm already exhausted from trying to get everything ready to have my baby at home, plus a bunch of other crap I needed to do, my husband and I are sharing one car (and we do not live somewhere with public transportation, so that means either I have no way to go anywhere or I have to drive him to and from work), and I just feel overall awful.

I hate not knowing whether baby is or isn't head down. I hate not knowing whether I'm going to need a c section or not. I'm so scared of going into labor before we're able to find out what baby's position is. I'm scared that he's breech and I need a c section and I won't have any help at home after baby is born because my husband can't take time off work. I'm torn between being so ready to not be pregnant anymore, no matter how baby comes out, just because I can't get comfortable at night to sleep, and knowing that if I end up being cut open, I'll probably keep hurting for weeks. I'm beyond angry at the fact that my midwife apparently SUSPECTED he might not be head down at our appointment two weeks ago and didn't have me go for a position check at that point, before it became a situation of urgency like it is now. She didn't even mention it. Even my husband, who doesn't know what the hell he's talking about beyond having felt my daughter when I was pregnant with her, said that what's at the bottom of my uterus feels much squishier than what he'd expect a head to feel like (aka, a butt). How is it possible that my midwives missed this for THIS LONG. I'm mad that my midwife doesn't seem to understand or care that this is a HUGE DEAL and that I feel like my world is being turned upside down out of nowhere. I went from expecting to have my baby vaginally, at home, without any medication, to researching the difference between an epidural and a spinal and expecting to spend at least 3 days in a hospital, and they didn't think that might bother me??! They don't seem to care that if I need a c section I need to know NOW (actually I'd love to have known ages ago!) because I am zero percent prepared for this. My birth with my daughter was perfect, I had absolutely no reason to expect my second birth would be wildly different. Maybe an extra tear or a different experience or something, but c section was never something we anticipated. I'm feeling like the trauma from my abortion last year (we found out at the beginning of November 2018 at 11 weeks that our baby was very sick and would not survive) is being dredged up because once again I have to make rapid emergency appointments for ultrasounds, plans for someone to watch my daughter, research a medical procedure I never expected to need, worry about the things I'm going to have to pay for, worry about recovery, and feel like none of it is within my control. It's of course not exactly the same, since this time my baby is fine and we just need to get him out safely, but it's the first time since it happened that I've felt quite so triggered and traumatized.

Then there's the matter of my two year old daughter. I have never spent a night away from her. She's slept in the same room as me since she was born. She sleeps in our bed every night. I love having her close. I have spent basically all day every day of her life with her, maybe leaving her with my husband or my mom for a few hours at a time at most. I'm so scared to leave her, I'm so worried about who will care for her if I'm in the hospital after a c section. We've been planning a home birth (I had one with my daughter too) for 39 weeks and I was never expecting to leave her at all. I'm scared of being alone with the new baby while my husband cares for our daughter, and that's the best case scenario if we can schedule the section so that my husband can use thanksgiving and the weekend after to stay with my daughter since he'll be off anyway. If we can't get the section before Wednesday or Thursday this week, I have absolutely no idea what will happen. My husband is a temp and could easily lose his job completely if he has to take time off. I'm also terrified of what I'll do with a new baby, a spirited toddler, a c section wound, and impending winter. What if I need to pick up my daughter, as is often the case when she's feeling particularly toddler-y and won't listen? I've had more occasions than I can count that I've had to basically throw her over my shoulder and into her car seat because she was screaming that she wanted something or other when we were trying to get into the car. But I won't be able to drive anywhere anyway - so does it even matter? I'm scared to be cooped up with my sweet toddler, making her bored, her feeling ignored or neglected. I know she won't remember this time and she won't hate me for it, but I still feel terrible about it, and scared that I won't be able to adequately care for either of my children in the immediate aftermath. I feel terrible that I've been so tired and inattentive to my daughter during the end of my pregnancy too. I'm feeling guilty for not having more fun with her in the last few days before she's not my only child anymore. I feel guilty for feeling overwhelmed by her toddlerness, for just not having the energy to deal with her. I'm extra miserable because I really thought that after this week, my first week of maternity leave, everything would be ready for baby and we'd probably have a whole extra week just to hang out and have fun, enjoy each other, play, and now I feel like that's all gone to shit. I feel like the worst mom. How can I handle having two children and recovering from surgery when I can barely handle being pregnant and having a toddler?

I've been awake since 330am, it's almost 6 now, and I also feel like a total idiot for not sleeping while I have the chance. I feel sick, I can't get comfortable, and my mind is racing. I've just been sitting on the living room couch typing this and absolutely sobbing while my husband and daughter sleep peacefully and I just feel like everything is about to be turned completely upside down some more, if that's even possible.

I'm so stressed and sad. I'm trying really hard to be ok with whatever happens, because at the end of the day, even though I'd love a repeat of my beautiful home birth that I had with my daughter, the most important thing is that my baby is healthy and safe when he arrives. Whatever happens will only be a few weeks of our whole lives and what matters is that we're all safe. I know that on a logical level. But my heart is just hurting so much right now. I have my first appointment with a new therapist on Saturday and my goodness am I glad for that. There's just so much to unpack here. Really struggling.

Update: for anyone who bothered reading this whole thing... my midwife texted me about 20 minutes past 6am and said she was at the hospital with another patient and could give me a quick scan to see whether or not the head was down, so I left as soon as I could to drive the 45 mins to the hospital and by 7:30am had confirmed baby is head down and actually pretty low in my pelvis so very unlikely to flip breech. I'm so glad but I think my body is still coursing with so much stress hormones that it's taking a while to set in that I got such good news. Relieved, exhausted.