Adultery

Let me give you some back story before I jump

Into the story. I met my husband when I was 17, he was 25. I had just gotten out of a horrible relationship with my brothers best friend. He cheated on me, put me down, and really left me in a dark place. When I might my husband, it was such a breath of fresh air. He was kind to me. He wasn’t like those typical guys. We started dating shortly after my 18th birthday and we had 4 years of complete bliss.

4 years ago, my grandmother passed away, my dad was in a horrible car accident that changed him forever, and my brother in law died. I had hit a dark place and the trauma consumed me. I started having major panic attacks and I was so depressed. My husband was not there for me in the way I needed him to be and it only added to the hurt. In fact, he wasn’t there in any way. The following year, I had some major health problems and he didn’t even show up to the hospital. My mom took me and he just waited at home for me. Again, lack of support. I grew angrier.

This was the first time I left. 2 months before we got married. I wrote him a letter explaining the lack of support and I moved in with my aunt for a month. In that time, I started seeing my ex right away. I think I just needed to feel something. 30 days before we were supposed to be married my husbands best friend died. I went back to him. Completely heart broken. Both of us were and we got married. I called things off with my ex again and into marital bliss we went. A year into our marriage, I noticed the same old patterns and I left again. This time for 3 months. That’s when I reconnected with an old friend and he was long distance. So, I went to visit him. He fell for me hard and fast and I didn’t know what to do. I got home from visiting him, called things off, and went back to my spouse.

I am not sure what to do. I mean, my husband and I are doing a little better, but I feel like I don’t deserve him. After everything I’ve done I feel like I need to leave him because it’s unfair to him with everything. I’m having a hard time forgiving myself for everything the last 3 years our marriage has been through. But, I feel I need to be kinder to myself. We both went through a lot of trauma and heartache and neither of us have handled life in the best way. But I can’t and will not ever be able to move past my own actions. How can I make my marriage work at this point? Do I even want to?