Can't get over it.

I went through a break up for the millionth time with the same guy. I've got issues and I know it, I slowly realized he is a narcissist and I made up excuses . It ended up badly and I had a rough week just to get me to push past it and keep going, at that time. Theres a no contact order placed by the state so it's been a good thing , its helped me to keep on pushing. Reality is I'm blocking the pain and heartache , I cried... it brought me down and I cant stay down , so I'm pushing it to the side but it's not going away , the feelings are there the pain is there and I dont want to open up that window. It's hard. I want to apologize , to erase mistakes made ... to myself... and I can't do that. I lost myself trying to make someone happy and I heard it the "you deserve better, he doesnt treat u right, ur messing up!" I pushed people away , they gave up, left, disappointed and hurt that I couldnt see what was happening and now I see it , I feel it, yet I'm weak , yet I want to go beg for love even though I know he wont love me. Good thing I can't and I'm stopped by the thought of loosing what's most important to me. My heart aches but my mind is talking to me being as loud as it takes to shut my heart out of making a mistake.