My dad passed away and I think I might be damaged

So I’ve been in a few shitty relationships and I think they’ve made me a suspicious asshole.

Please give me your opinions and experiences

At first when I am doing the dirty deed of going through my guys phone. I feel like there’s something there, something suspicious, or something terrrriblllle. Then after I go through every vault, every little nook and cranny. I find nothing absolutely nothing and I’m dumbfounded because my gut specifically told me, “girl there’s something going on and you’re a fool for it”. After it’s over and I’m done doing the dirty deed, I sit there and I’m like wtf why is he clean? Wtf is wrong with me? I love this guy. I trust this man more than myself. I’ve been living with him for 3 months now and we do almost everything together when we have time, if it’s either with our families, friends, or by ourselves.

Why the hell am I like this?

What the double fuck is wrong with me?

Jesus, I feel like a psychopath!

I hate doing it when I put his phone down and tell myself, “no I’m not going through it” . I think about how there could be something suspicious and terrrrrible. I feel nuttttttts! I feel so nuttttts!

Side note:

I feel like I could be this way because I was with my abusive ex fiancé for a year and a half before my dad passed away. 5 months after he passed, my ex left us. I mean I’m glad that he did leave us actually because he would lie to me, make me question his whereabouts, get numbers of random girls, slap me, choke me, punch me if I wanted his attention on my thighs, steal from my mom and brother, constantly gaslighting me. It hurt the most because the night my dad died, he stayed in that room with him for an hour and told him, “I’ll take care of your daughter and wife with my life, so you don’t have to worry sir”

My dad he may have passed away and he was and still really is my best friend.

I’ve dated a lot of men after my father passing, ex leaving. All of those men they really did let me down. If it was from cheating, to lying or just plain letting me down for the smallest things on their end.

I looked for my father in all those men but no one will be like my father actually. It took me a while to understand that.

My current boyfriend is really nothing like them.

I stopped choosing men in patterns and just made a friend that day and now I have someone laying next to me that deserves the entire universe. Which is why I hate being like this to him. He has done nothing to deserve me going through his phone. I love him so much.

I realize when it’s too late I’m wrong. That I shouldn’t be going through his phone. He’s really so amazing. I hate being like this to him.

Also about a year ago I was having a mental break down because of my dads passing and my now boyfriend was there to stop me from taking my own life... all I thought of that night was about being with my dad. I owe my boyfriend a lot. This is why I feel so shitty about being like this to him.

Btw: I’m 22 :)

Thank you for reading ladies and gents!

Update:

Thank you for all your kind responses. I am making the moves in my life to get help. I wanna feel better and be better for my family and for my s/o thank you again everyone