He was diagnosed last September with Kidney and Heart failure, I have no idea how long he has to live.

The last time I talked to him before tonight was in January when he saw me and my son.

He’s been a drug addict my entire life- 20 years.

When I was younger of course he had his problems but he was a pretty good dad.

He was my best friend and at the time I thought he could do no wrong. I loved seeing him. (Parents divorced before I was born btw.)

At the age of 9 or 10 he got married and along with that came a stepdaughter, I slowly felt like I was getting pushed aside.

Then came his next two daughters, and at this point I felt completely forgotten about.

When I did have to go I would beg and plead with my mom to not make me go.

And when I actually did want to go there would be times where I sat there for him for what felt like forever for him to never show up.

He would come see me every other month, to every six months, and then I’d be lucky if I saw him 2-3 times a year. Barely even got a phone call.

He had been in and out of rehab quite a few times, there was only one time I was old enough to remember and in his letters he sent he seemed happier, healthier. Then got out and started using again.

By the time I was 12-13 I was just completely over him and fine with him not being around no more than he was.

But I do have to say I’ve struggled a lot because of him, I have “daddy issues” I have a really big problem with trusting men or letting them in, I fear being left alone again, I have so many problems because of this it’s crazy.

Here within the last five years I could probably count on one hand how many times I’ve talked to him.

Tonight he called, he told me he “Loved me and missed me” I said it back but I feel like I didn’t mean it, it just felt weird and foreign telling him that. Idk how to explain it.

He told me Happy late late birthday (my birthday is October 25th) and asked to come see me tomorrow to bring me something and because we needed to talk about some things.

I agreed and I really don’t know why.

I’ve cried so much tonight for the first time in a long time not because I care about him but because I have so much, so many years of resentment, of anger, of pain, that I need to release that he caused, I feel like this is something I need to do for myself before he passes. I don’t know if it will make me feel better but I’ve been carrying this around for so long, he’s really good at the “I’m so sorry” sob stories and he knows I hate hurting people’s feelings or at least feeling like I am so I have no idea what to expect.

I’m asking my sister to come over for moral support.

For a really long time I thought I had prepared myself for his death but that’s because I thought if anything he would have an overdose, that’s what I was expecting. Not seeing him just slowly die, I no longer feel prepared. I don’t know how to feel. Now it’s just starting to seem very real and I’ve never really dealt with death before so I don’t know what to expect or how I’m going to react but I won’t lie I’m scared.

I don’t know how to confront him about all that I’m feeling though, I’m scared to cry in front of him, I’m one of those people that don’t like to cry because I feel like it makes me look weak, and I don’t want him thinking I care when really it’s just my pent up hurt and anger.

I know I’ll cry because I do anytime I start talking about my feelings.

This has been a long time coming and I’m just scared of the outcome.

I don’t even know what to say, my mom keeps reassuring me everything will be okay and that what I need to say will come to me, as someone who did this with her father she told me that it could possibly help me feel better and lighter since she knows this is how I’ve felt for awhile, she feels like it’s important that I let him know how I finally feel before it’s too late. I’m just so scared and nervous, my anxiety is so bad I don’t even think I’ll be able to sleep tonight.

What’s even worse is the doctors told him they could help him if he would quit his drug use but he won’t.

I guess what I really need is some advice or just some kind words, I’ve been crying off and on over it.. This is just so hard.