I feel like such a shitty person😭

Let me start off by saying aunt flo showed her ugly face today, the same month I found out I was FINALLY pregnant last year, before having a mmc months later....so maybe I'm just extra extra emotional right now.

But this whole trying to conceive situation has just completely changed SO many things, most of which I wish wouldn't have transformed, such as the feelings I get when finding out someone else is expecting.

Of course I'm happy for them, yes this is something I read on here a lot, but this ugly situation of trying to conceive after a loss, after years of already trying, after another year after the loss...has made me a little ugly and bitter.

I would never ever ever ever EVER wish a miscarriage of any sort upon anyone no matter what. It's such an awful experience that has no words to completely describe all of it.

But I genuinely couldn't help but feel happy, then completely sad and questioning why I had to have a mmc, but someone else is able to carry yet another child....how fucking selfish and terrible of me, right?

I feel disappointed and disgusted with myself for ever feelong this way as everyone who conceives is lucky and could very well be going through this, if not worse, and if not--who cares? It's not my place to say anything, but this feeling was completely unconscious and just happened.

I hate this. Even when "not trying" it affects me the same as when I am actively trying.

I guess I just finally need to let it out.