Can you control how much a grandparent spoils your child?

Question

So my mom is like the best. But she is soooooo awful at spoiling my daughter. She lets her get away with a lot and if I’m over at her house and I have to get onto her about something my mom will chime in about how she’s a baby and I shouldn’t be so hard on her (she’s 5). When we’re in public I try to make my daughter mind and she always has something to say or will literally pick her up and take her somewhere else  and coddle her. It’s really been getting on my nerves and it is really upsetting my husband (her father). We try to tell her to stop and to make her listen to us. She is literally the only one in our families like this. Everyone else in my family will also tell her that she is spoiling her to much and she needs to stop. Believe me, she’s heard it all from us. And she won’t stop. The thing is, they love each other so much. I had my daughter when I was 17 and my mom was there for us for everything. Even now if we are having financial issues or need help with anything she will drop whatever she’s doing to be there. I love my mom but I’m just so tired of her going against us when it comes to our daughter. She’s only hurting her in the long run and my husband is so fed up with it he’s saying if she can’t get on board with our parenting then she can’t be over at her house anymore. And I totally agree. I just don’t want it to have to come to that. So how can I tell my mom that she needs to start listening to us more?

Answer

Don’t you know that spoiling a grandchild is what being a grandparent is all about. I’m a grandparent and I’m not supposed to be a disciplinarian, that’s the parents job. My job is to shower the grandchild with love and keep them safe from harm. If there’s something specific the parents want/need me to do, they need to talk to me about it but don’t be unreasonable in their requests. 
That said...I’m also a Mom and I’ve had to check my Mom lol for exactly doing what you describe. And sometimes I’ve had to do it in front of the child because the child has to know that what Mom and Dad says, is the final word. Sometimes these conversations are private and not in front of the child. I guess what I’m saying with my contradicting views is that the adults have to communicate; and mom and dad are the final word. With this authority you don’t need to argue with anyone including your Mom, but sometimes you have to be firm with your Mom and she’s gotta see she needs to follow your lead. 
Now specifically addressing when you scolded the child and your Mom babied her, I think that’s okay as long as what you’re saying was followed. For example if you take a sweet from your child, it’s ok for grandma to hug her and help her feel better but what she absolutely can’t do is give her the sweet and ignore your direction. That’s just wrong.

Answer

Right now I have to tell the grandparents there’s a limit on toys because we have no room for them in the apartment. Clothes I don’t care if they buy, but for the love of God not an overload of toys.

Answer

Spoiling her by giving her too many treats? Yeah that’s fine. Spoiling her by letting her get away with not listening to her parents? Hell no. My mother is amazing at letting us parent the way we want to and will always take our side. My MIL is a typical grandma who loves spoiling her grandkids with cookies and such which I’m totally okay with, that’s what grandmas do, but she also scoffs at our parenting in front of our daughter. If we say no, she says “oh it’s fine” and it shows our daughter that she doesn’t have to listen to her parents. My husband has physically taken our daughter from his mother before because we asked her not to kiss her on the mouth (rsv season and she’s little) and she was like “oh whatever” and did it again. I’m glad my husband stood his ground instead of letting it slide! I would honestly sit down with her asap and tell her how you feel. Tell her why you’re doing what your doing when it comes to raising her and then explain that by doing what she’s doing it’s causing a drift in your plans.

Answer

I think it's lovely that she is having a special bond with her grandchild.. me and my nan had a very special bond.. she did spoil me.. however she never interfered with the way my parents wanted to discipline me.. yes u love ur mum but it's now causing problems with ur husband and if other family members have also told her then she is aware.. ur the parent at the end of the day.. not her.. and it's confusing for ur child.. ur mum needs some tough love.

Answer

I'd sit her down and tell her enough is enough.  She is blatantly disrespectful and disregarding your husband and your parenting by coddling her when she's in trouble.  My friends have been having issues with raising their daughter, it's not the same situation but it is similar.  He's really harsh on her but she wasn't for a long time and now their daughter is disrespectful to her mom constantly and scared of her dad.  Your mom is creating a bad environment for your daughter by doing that to you and your husband.  Yeah grandparents are usually seen as the coddling type but never interfering with the parents on the level your mom has gone.  It's time to make an ultimatum sadly to your mom or she'll continue this and your daughter won't be responding to your parenting.

Answer

Just be straight up and tell her she’s disrespecting your wishes as parents and undermining your role as parents. I dealt and still dealing with this with my MIL. If you don’t put your foot down about it it’ll just continue and make it harder for your daughter to listen and respect you.
We talked with my MIL about spoiling our oldest. Then we found out she was continuing to do it behind our backs and having my daughter hide it and lie to us... like giving her junk like candy and soda before and after school, which is a big no, no in our eyes. It’s disrespectful and has definitely put a rift in our relationship together even though we always got along. Unfortunately, now we don’t allow her to spend as much time as she used to with our daughter. She also favors our oldest over our other children but that’s whole other issue altogether. Don’t get me wrong though. My MIL is a great person and would do anything for us and I know her heart is in the right place, but we will not allow her to do things that teach our children to disrespect our wishes or hide and lie about things we don’t agree with. 
It’s a tough situation and you can’t always control what others do. It’s sad because I feel in the end it always hurts the children more than anyone else.

Answer

This happened (still happening) with my sister and my mom. My sister needed my moms help so much (ex husband drama that turned into other issues) that the roles got confused. She is the other mom now. That's not how it should be. And my sister wants it to change but it's hard when she was allowed to be that way because my sister needed her.  She puts her food down and it's a fight because my mom (who is a wonderful woman and will give you the clothes off her back if you need it) gets...petty. she feels used "oh it was fine to spoil them when you needed money" or "oh it was fine to spoil them when you needed a weekend away"  it makes it harder for my sister to say no. 
I told my sister to tell my mom that she appreciates EVERYTHING she did and still does but she needs to raise them into strong independent women and that's not gonna happen if they keep getting spoiled by her.  It helped some because my mom wants them to be strong independent women too so it made her see their future in a sense. 
But it's not perfect. My mom still oversteps, more than she should. But it's better.  
Just be firm and remind her that in the end shes your daughter and ultimately you decide how shes being raised.

Answer

I think it’s a bit of a balancing act really. In general I think it’s an amazing thing to have grandparents around that are able to spoil their grandchildren. 
I know my mum can’t wait for me to have kids so she can spoil them like my grandparents did for me, we literally had my grandad wrapped around our little finger😂
So I think it’s a case of being specific, about exactly what it is that bothers you and how it goes against what your trying to teach her.  So she can find better ways to treat her.

Can you control how much a grandparent spoils your child?

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