Toxic relationship

I’ve known for a while but it hit me hard last night how toxic and unhealthy my relationship is. In the 2.5 years we’ve been together I’ve lost almost all my friends, from either lying to cover for him, or bc I pushed them away bc it was better than lying about my life constantly and pretending to be happy even when I was miserable from a fight.

I stayed because when things are good, they’re so good. I think it’s so easy when you’re in a healthy relationship or single to say “well just leave!” “Walk away” “you’re stupid if you say in a relationship like that”. But for the longest time I chalked it up to love. This was the first time I’d ever really been in love. And when you fall in love with someone who’s manipulative and toxic, it’s so hard to leave. You think you’re the damaged one. You think all the sh*% that’s happened is your fault. If you hadn’t done whatever, this fight never would have happened. You start thinking your partner is right, it all really is your fault. The good times are good, so you just constantly try to do better. But that’s the thing - no one is perfect, so things are never going to get “better”. What set your partner off in the first place was something so small that may or may not have been your fault in the first place.

When I did realize it, I decided I just needed to accept this was the way life was going to be. I was so in love with him, so I’d put up with the bad times just to have the good times with him. Isn’t that what love is? I mean even in wedding vows they say “for better or for worse” and “in good times and bad times”.

But love isn’t intentionally taking your bad days out on your partner, or screaming at them until they cry, just so that they can have just as bad of a day as you. Love isn’t abandoning your partner after a fight, saying they deserve the anxiety they get while you ignore them for hours. Love doesn’t use your weaknesses against you as a “punishment”.

But every time he’d say he loved me or on the rare occasion he’d apologize (only when he thought I was close to actually walking away) he’d draw me back in again. I’d calm myself down and tell myself it was just a fight, he didn’t mean it. Everyone makes mistakes, it’ll get better next time.

So much sh!% has happened in the past two years. I don’t know if I’m strong enough quite yet to walk away. The worst part is that during the good times, he’s my dream guy. He’s handsome, strong, funny, and when he smiles or jokes around it makes my heart so happy. The reason I got with him was bc I felt so safe.

But safety and security should never waver in a relationship. That shouldn’t just be a bonus of the good times. Disagreements and hard times are bound to come in any relationship, but by no means does that mean the respect or safety leave the relationship.