Am I wrong for wanting to leave my boyfriend? (Advice wanted)

I recently turned 18. Graduated high school a year early. My boyfriend was a year ahead of me in school so one reason i graduated early was to put us on the same timeline. I’ve been with him since my freshman year and his sophomore year. My family moved cross country my junior year (final year of high school) and that put a lot of stress on our relationship. Since we’ve started dating he’s become part of the family. He’ll play video games with my father and I. He’s spent weeks at my house over breaks from school. He visits as often as he can and he’s an amazing boyfriend. However, my sophomore year before I moved he was not an amazing boyfriend.

Starting in August (when we learned we would be moving) he grew distant. He talked to me less. He started to discuss his problems with me moving with a girl he met online on her finsta. On that same account she would post all about her life and he would like and respond to every post. She would also post nudes. He didn’t like those, but her posting of those did not keep him from following her. I got upset about that and he eventually apologized. During this same time around he was also pressuring me to get more sexual (he had already successfully pressured me over the summer) and I gave in around October ish. This made our relationship more special to me and I assumed it did the same for him. He stopped talking to the girl. Things were fine. We went to winter formal in January. A few weeks later I went to his house, we did some sexual stuff and he and I were happy happy. He was going on and on about how he can’t wait for us to live together and how bright our future will be. Then four days later he told me he’d lost interest in me and had a crush on another girl. I asked who it was and guessed a few names and he refused to tell me but reassured me it wasn’t any of the girls I guessed. The ones i guessed were girls who he had slid into the DMs of for class things, but I was a little suspicious.

At this point, I was extremely worried about our relationship and if we will break up. I felt so attached to him and I had done things with him that, in all honesty, I had planned on saving for marriage. I didn’t want to give up on the relationship and lose him. So I begged for him to return to loving me and fell horribly depressed. My grades dropped. My weight dropped. I was a wreck. I could hardly carry on.

Side note: I just remembered that he KNEW I was moving soon. We didn’t know if I would have moved at December or in the summer but we knew it was coming. Despite this, he decided to take a class with a friend he had talked to a couple times the previous school year that guaranteed he wouldn’t have lunch with me which meant we wouldn’t see each other throughout the school day at all. That really hurt me.

Eventually in like March he comes to me and tells me he realizes how important I am to him because one of the girls in his art class mentioned it 🙄 I’m over the moon about this and I am excited he is giving me a second chance (that was my thinking). And so we move on. I try to talk about it with him so I can understand what I did wrong or how to fix things. Every. Fucking. Time. I bring it up he cuts me off and is too embarrassed to talk about his fuck up and “losing interest.” Every single time!!! So instead of me getting some sort of closure or healing from the topic, my pain just festers and grows.

I move across the country. He helps my family back and he is the last person I see before we leave. When I get to my new home I am 2-3 hours ahead. Already I am planning and figuring out how I can work around my schedule so him and I get the most time to talk in a day (Ex: he gets out of school at 7 my time, so if I get home at 4 and nap for three hours then I can stay up til 1 am talking with him, etc.). Then I actually do start staying up late to talk to him. There are No phones allowed at school so I create an email (we had laptops we were allowed to carry at school) so I can keep in touch. I did all this shit. What does he do? Not a damned thing. He wakes up LATER than he did when I was in the same Timezone and most mornings I didn’t even HEAR from him!! He starts blowing me off at night and going to bed earlier than I do because I had stayed up to talk to him.

Then he comes at Christmas and things are great! He and I get to see more of each other than we had before. BUT there were a lot of things that made me extremely uncomfortable. He kept pressuring me to have sex. Relentlessly. Then he eventually got me fully naked and I thought that was nice. It was weird having skin to skin contact like that, But we still did not have intercourse. Then one night while we are doing things he takes out his PHONE and starts recording!!! And I’m like WHAT THE FUCK!!! This makes me extremely uncomfortable and I make him delete all the photos and videos. Then the last night before he leaves I laid on him and cried about how much I was going to miss him. Not a single tear fell from his face. Other than those things, that visit was fun. But those things stand out as sucky lmao

We get through the rest of the semester fine. Not much drama to talk about. The time difference is less (daylight savings) so we talk more. Things are fine. We both graduate.

He comes to visit over the summer. Things are okay. Again, he keeps pressuring me for sex. At this point I’m starting to lose interest in him. He’s gained weight. He has greasy long hair he keeps in a low ponytail (don’t like the look).

Then my brother gets married... we go to the wedding... My brother has a sweet relationship with my sister in law. She is like family and they have an awesome relationship. Being at their wedding and hearing their stories and their friends talk made me realize that my boyfriend and I didn’t have that. I didn’t feel that way about him, at least. We were a troubled relationship for a lot of it. Nothing too sweet to note. I felt empty about my relationship after going to that wedding. I felt like this relationship just wasn’t going to be “it” for me. It makes me sad to even think that.

So anyways the wedding is over. He’s still visiting for another few weeks. Over those few weeks we hang out at night and I keep refusing to do sexual things with him (oral, fingering, etc.) but he keeps not listening. He won’t even let me go back to my room without having me do something and I feel like giving in is really the only way to get him to stop. More so than ever before. Still refuse to have intercourse though.

He goes home and I miss him. I start college and I get more time to myself to just think. And so I do. I come to terms with the fact that I’m bisexual. I come to terms with what I want my future to look like and how I want my career to be. I start to realize that this relationship really shouldn’t be continuing. I know it sounds stupid, but I just can’t get over all the shit he’s done to me. It really bothers me!

After all these years I just can’t let those things go. I want to move on. I want to date other people. I want to see what’s out there. I want a boyfriend who loves me and who knows he wants me (or girlfriend). I want a relationship where my partner doesn’t lose interest. Where things don’t move too fast. I want something else.

But I don’t want my family to be sad that I changed my mind about him. I don’t want to blindside them with a change in the relationship. I don’t want to disappoint other people by ending my relationship.

I don’t want to lose him. He is a dear friend and I don’t want to break his heart. I don’t want to cause him any pain or suffering. I want him to be happy. At the same time, he deserves someone who loved him unconditionally - just as I do.

I recognize the flaws but am really scared to cut things off. To make things worse he is coming to visit after the new year and already has his tickets boomer. I don’t know what to do.

TLDR: my boyfriend was a little abusive early on in our relationship. He’s grown into a lovely boyfriend but I can’t get over some of the things he’s done.