I wish I could fly away

A lot of people who see me from the outside may think I have everything together because I seem so organized and what not, but what they don't see is that lately I've been contemplating and thinking of suicide...

It is such a hard thing to talk about, but I just feel so full of hate for myself and my life honestly.

I'm controlled by everyone in my life. There is so much negativity bringing me down. I'm tired of people gossiping and me being part of conversation behind my back. I'm tired of people putting me down. In every relationship I have with people, be it friend, family, fiance etc I am always the smaller person in terms of control, confidence, and self esteem. I'm tired of feeling so low and not good enough...

I have nightmares that haunt me so often that I want to rip my head off. I was so stupid as a 19 year old... I led myself into a group of people twice my age and thought maybe I would smoke with them. Eventually those people wound up selling my things behind my back and the men in that group led me into the woods, knocked me out, gang raped me, and left me in a pile of leaves.

Of course I'm blessed to be alive, but my self esteem is shit now. All I can think is that girls my age have fun college experiences and here I was just wandering the streets with dirty men who wanted to use me....

I feel worthless a lot of times and really I don't want to be depressed or be depressing to others but I cant escape my head or my current life I have. I'm hurting badly and I want to end it... I feel like my baby and everyone else would be better without me here.