I dont know who i am anymore?

I’ve been told and realised myself that I don’t have many emotions. I have a monotone voice and struggle to smile even unless I’m with someone I really like and it’s been really hard especially when it comes to important stuff like job interviews. I’ve been struggling with depression and anxiety for most of my life and I was wondering if that can affect how I come across to people. I struggle to cry at things like close family deaths or I can’t bring myself to be excited about someone’s good that’s happened in my life. I also struggle with making and keeping friendships/relationships. Ive been used to closing up everything and keeping my emotions to myself but now I feel as if I’ve lost control and can’t bounce back to how I was before because if I’m honest, I’ve been this way for a while and don’t remember my old self. Sorry for being so morbid but I really need help. Things like counselling and therapy are looked down on in my culture and I don’t have close enough relations with my parents and siblings to the point where I can talk to them about mental illnesses so I’ve been keeping it all to myself for the best part of 10 years (I’m 19) I know it’s unhealthy but idk what else to do. I know it’s a new year and I told myself to be different and so far i. Am. Drained lol. It’s difficult to keep up a facade infront of friends and family 24/7.