I’m sorry...

Sorry for the people that actually go through reading this.

I’m terrified. Mortified really. I know a lot of you strong empowering women feel that men should have the right to watch porn and jerk off and have their “me” time. But I just can’t. Every time I find out he’s watched porn so many things go through my head and I feel like I’m not enough. My insecurities arise, tears actually flow across my face. I have a hard time trying to feel good about myself, I’ve tried everything I could possibly do with the resources I had and with my age at the time and I feel like I’ve only managed to end up worse. I’ve always been “plump” not overboard but still apparently not even good enough for my dad? I guess that’s where it started. He used to always tell me how fat and ugly I was. Middle school I stopped eating- I would go weeks at a time without eating and then just go overboard when I couldn’t stand the starvation. I ended up getting a lot of stretch marks when that happened. I’ve overdosed on diet pills if you can even get to such a point. I’ve shaved every hair on my body when I got told I was hairy in middle school as well. And now I’m a hairy mess. Don’t have the money or time to remove it completely and then do the whole process again 3-4 days later. I started to wear a whole lot of black to try and hide the appearance of my “back fat” and ended up with extremely dark pits. Shaved my facial hair and feel like a man. I guess you get the point... you beautiful women have it so nice. It hurts not being able to believe someone actually cares for you. It’s hard to believe your enough for someone when you don’t even feel your good enough for yourself. So when I find out he’s watching beautiful, gorgeous women online I can’t help it. I can’t help but think I could never! I could never be as gorgeous, as hair free, as perfect as them. I could never fully please him the way he might deep down wish to be pleased. I can’t pretend to be this super horny sex driven female when I feel I have the body of a pig. It’s hard to have a livid sex drive when you feel like your never good enough, finding out he’s watched porn? Makes it just a tad worse. I’ve tried talking to him about it but the only thing that has changed is his lies have gotten better, and his phone doesn’t leave his body. He’ll do it when ever I’m not around or in the shower when he thinks I don’t suspect anything. He’ll do it when I step out of the room, or when I’m running an errand. I don’t know what to do. It hurts really bad.