Yesterday I went for my first appointment at eleven weeks. Midwives couldn’t find a heartbeat with a Doppler, which isn’t super unusual. But the write me a script for an ultrasound just to make sure. We went in a few hours later. I knew right away something was wrong. This was my second baby, and I remembered what my daughter looked like at thirteen weeks. This should have been similar. But we could see immediately that the baby was too small - only about eight weeks. It wasn’t moving and there was no heartbeat.

I’m going in for a D&C first thing tomorrow morning. At the moment, I still feel pregnant. None of my symptoms have diminished. But the diagnosis was definitive. So I know my body just hasn’t recognized yet that the baby is gone.

I just don’t know how to feel. I’m sad, but mostly numb and confused. This came completely from left field. Maybe after the procedure is over, I’ll feel able to move on? Right now it just seems impossible, like I’m in limbo, trying desperately not to think about the fact that my baby has been dead for weeks, but it’s still there inside me and my body is still telling me I’m pregnant.

I just don’t know what to do or how to cope.