I know it’s going to get better. I know I’ll stop crying. I know we will try again. I know next time will likely be different. I know all of this...

I don’t know if I’ll hold my breath every. single. moment. of the next time around. I don’t know if I’ll let myself be excited for the next positive test or if the fear will crush me. I don’t know if I’ll cry tears of joy or tears of sadness and anxiety. I don’t know if I’ll ever trust my body again.

I had thought through every moment of telling my husband we were expecting our first child. I had a onesie saved in the back of my closet for over a year. I took a video of our private celebration that sits hauntingly in my photo feed. I want to delete it but I can’t. I feel cheated out of this experience because next time I know it won’t be the same. I know this will be weighing on my heart...