Boyfriend is harsh with me about not swallowing

Hey Girls,

This is long but I need the help.and would rather you know both sides of the story than just mine.

So recently my boyfriend of 3 years was acting like something was bothering him so I said let’s have a chat as that’s how we sort out things. I have liked the idea of putting his cum in my mouth but I can’t stand the taste or texture it makes me gag, I have tried and I wanted to satisfy him but then he sends me this message. He’s a pessimist and loves to argue, and was so hesitant and reluctant to even tell me, he said it would cause conflict, and I said just tell me. He always beats around the bush before he actually says anything and we have been up and down a lot lately.

NOTE: I don’t let him finish in my mouth nor do I swallow. Hate the taste.

Anyways, so he sent me this long message:

“Ok. By no means is this all I was upset about yesterday but it was one of a few, and the only one involving you. Basically just thought about how you never wanted to swallow. Of course it's your personal choice and I respect that. But if I'm honest it is quite a big turn off for me. Makes me feel disgusting and unwanted. I know you don't like the taste and the texture, just got me thinking though how there has been many times when you haven't tasted the best down there, but I ignored it because I wanted to make you feel good and not ruin the moment. I know you won't change it, but it does bother me. Especially since the only time I've experience that is with you. But yeah xxxxx”

And I’m feeling quite shit now :/ that he has dragged me into it when since we met I’ve said if I ever taste even the slightest of bad tell me, so I can fix it, and then he sends me this.

I replied with:

“ Firstly thank you for telling me.

I'm sorry that me not swallowing makes you feel that way, that of course isn't how I anticipated you to feel. But I do think it is slightly unnecessary to kinda throw me into a corner saying problems with me, which I get it's to get your point across. My question is why you just felt the need to say that about me, I have always said if I taste bad to just tell me. But makes me think what you also don't tell me after 3 years to say this now. Using the word ”many” doesn't exactly send positive vibes. Why does it bother you so much? Are you saying the only person who has declined to swallow with you is me? Xxxx”

And his response was:

“I just said it for context. Ok then I'll rather say "more than one occasion" because it's happened more than once, but is quite rare. And for your last question, yes xxxx “

UPDATE...

It made me feel horrible :/ like forced and really question myself so I replied with this:

My reply:

“Yeah but that is not what you said....😐 but okay. I understand how it makes you feel. But have you tried to view it from my perspective? It's just not my preference, and many girls are the same. Why does this topic really bother you so much? And if Im being honest, what you've said about me not swallowing doesn't sound like you respect my choice not to. Which throwing in how it makes Gou feel just makes me feel worse, and almost pressured by you or idk just weird... Xxxx”

His response:

“Yeah I have viewed it from your perspective and that's why I said I understand and I respect your decision. It just bothers me and does a lot of guys. I'm not pressuring you. You see this is why I was hesitant to tell you xxxx”

My reply to this:

“Yeah.

I’m being calm and it’s not creating conflict, just yeah. But it just doesn’t seem like you really do respect my decision. Saying it's such a big turn off that I don't do it and makes you feel disgusting and unwanted? Kinda just hurts that you think that. Tbh. But that doesnt matter xoxo”

His response:

“I'm sorry if you feel that way. But that's just the straight up and honest truth xxxx”

My reply:

“Yeah I understand xoxo”

His response:

“yeah xoxo”

My reply:

“Are you happy with me? Be completely honest, I don't want any beating around the bush bullshit. Do I make you super happy, motivated, loved, that you have someone to talk to about situations, am I a chore to you? Someone you actually care about not just think you care about. It's not just if you love me, it's a huge question if your in love with me. Because I've seen so many signs lately which have just made me question, to be honest it's made me feel so darn small about shit. So just save me time and be completely honest with me for once. I know im not the prettiest girl you've ever dated, im not your first love or any of that. Because I know of any guys who have said that and looked for the attention, the listener, the person who gives that that 20% that don't get in their current relationship with someone else. I've seen in happen. And if im being honest I find is so hard to completely trust you after everything, I have tried and tried to just let me self completely trust you, but it's so hard. The worry is always there, because you don't talk about things, I question. So back to the beginning of this message. Can you just be honest with me. Xxx”

His Response:

“Didn't expect that message. But yeah it's why I was hesitant to mention it. I don't want you questioning us or our relationship. I am in love with you, I trust you, you make me feel happy motivated and loved. And no you aren't a chore to me. What signs do you mean? And yeah I'd be more open to talking about stuff if I was certain that you'd be able to have a normal discussion about stuff and not lash out or over react (not saying you did today). And yeah dunno what I can do about you not trusting me xxxxx”

My Reply;

“You have to realise you are commonly hesitant to mention most things, even since we first started dating, before you saw the other side to me. Which I understand why, but.... don’t use it as a card to not tell someone something. And quite frankly I’m glad you told me, honesty is one of the most important things to me.

I don't want to be questioning us or our relationship either. But your a pesimist about nearly everything I do, say or even my response. How do you think that makes me feel. It makes me feel small, Tiny. Kinda stupid and worthless. Like I have to prove myself, fight for you to see I have loyalty and good intentions. There’s been many signs, not just recently, but everything adds up. And back to what I said earlier, you know my past you know why I act the way I do, and you still throw it in my face constantly to what it seems like to control the conversation or the outcome. Which is completely unfair. Tonight has reminded me of that, and it’s not just my thoughts tonight because of what you said, but’s it’s given me a reason to say this. I can’t change who I am overnight, my history, my family situation, but when the man you love throw it in your face as to why he doesn’t feel like he can talk to you. Makes me feel shit, worthless, like I have to fight for my position, which in no way in my life did I think I would ever have todo that for a man. It belittles me, corners me, hurts me. And we have had this discussion before. With the trust...your a smart guy, what do you do when’s something is broken you fix it, and if you don’t know how, you find a way, you research ways to make it look even better than it did before... if it’s important to you. I’m saying this before I’m tired of worrying, feeling small, and questioning things (which I have the right to after etc) but it’s not fair, on me, on you, on those around us. But yeah. Xxxx”

His Response:

“Yeah dunno what to say about that xxxx”

Please help me out here girls, I just feel so shit about it now, and how it makes him feel, don’t really feel good enough. We ended up having a bit of an argument about it because as I didn’t feel he really acknowledged it realised how much it put me down :/

THOUGHTS? Was I wrong to react that way? Should I have been more understanding I’m stuck.