You don’t have to read, I just really need to let it all out

Over the last few years, I’ve encountered a lot of stressful and anxiety inducing situations. I’ve never felt unable to cope, but now I suppose it’s all coming to the surface.

I’m 21 and have been with my now fiancé for 8 1/2 years. There’s a lot of strain on our relationship, but he doesn’t like to acknowledge it. He prefers to pretend everything is great.

So I started the relationship with him when I was 13. I’ve obviously known his family for a long time. I was never made to feel welcome or accepted as part of the family. However, my family always adored him and made him feel like one of us.

My fiancé’s dad has always made me anxious. Frightened me even. Anytime he would be in my presence I would go mute, feel stiff, nauseous and have knots in my stomach.

He was always too close for comfort, and would constantly make inappropriate comments to me.

A couple of times we attended family occasions when I would be a bit drunk. I remember one time when I was 15, and he groped me inappropriately. My fiancé’s dad never drinks so there is no excuse of him being drunk- he was stone cold sober. I felt like he was watching to see when I was “drunk enough” that he could get away with it. This is just one of many incidents, but one that always stands out to me the most.

After a while, I began to distance myself from his family and stopped attending family gatherings. This caused a strain in my fiancé’s relationship with his family and he felt stuck in the middle. This added to their dislike of me even more as they felt I was taking him away.

My fiancé’s mother witnessed things on serveral occasions and didn’t do anything. Just laughed. So I have the same feelings towards her as I do about his father.

Fast forward when I was at college, I cheated on him. I had never received attention from another person before and I suppose I liked it. I still hold guilt about it to this day.

then when I was 18 I became unexpectedly pregnant. I was scared but also excited. I then miscarried at 7 weeks. It was really difficult for me.

I felt like the only way I could get over it was to become pregnant again ASAP and I did not long after. I made it to 16 weeks, when I had an appointment which they couldn’t find the heartbeat. A scan revealed the baby had died 2 weeks prior. I then had to deliver this dead baby which was extremely traumatic for me.

The baby was a girl. She was sent for a post mortem which revealed she had trisomy 13 which is an extremely rare condition. Has she lived she would not have lived older than the age of 10, and that would have been a miracle.

It became a question to doctors if there was something wrong with my fiancé’s or I’s genetics because this was the second loss. We then had blood tests taken to test our dna. We spent weeks agonising over the thought that we may possibly never have healthy children.

During this time waiting on our test results, I had become pregnant again. The dr advised that if I became pregnant before results, when I reached 10 weeks gestation I would have to undergo an invasive test to check if the baby had the same condition, which risked

miscarriage.

Thankfully I got results before this which showed that our dna was normal.

Thankfully the pregnancy was straightforward and at 16 weeks discovered I was having a girl.

This takes me back to my fiancé’s parents especially his father. I got an extreme anxiety that I couldn’t ever allow my daughter to be alone with my fiancé’s dad incase he would be inappropriate with her. It’s a feeling I can’t shake to this day. I have had night terrors about my daughter being hurt by this man and my fiancé’s mother turning a blind eye.

This has caused stress for my fiancé because they don’t understand why they don’t get to see my daughter. And even the stress of being in the room supervising visits is too much for me to bear when I consider some of the things my fiancé’s dad to me.

All these issues have caused me to become extremely resentful towards my fiancé. I know it’s not his fault, but at the same time if I weren’t in a relationship with him I wouldn’t have these problems.

I spent a year at home with my daughter when I decided to go back to college in September. I was reluctant to do that because I felt I would be misunderstood and excluded by my peers.

I’ve made several acquaintances and people I occasionally go out and have a drink with, but I haven’t made any friends that actually care about me. I’m often left out, and don’t even get an invite. I probably wouldn’t go, but I wish someone would think of me.

My old friends have forgot about me. I feel I don’t really have anyone that would care if they didn’t hear from me again. I only really have my fiancé, but there’s the issues I mentioned and we don’t get a chance to spend time together.

I’m sorry this was so long