Crisis of identity

In late 2018 a few days before Christmas, I lost my baby when I was around 3 1/2 months along.

Since I left my 6-year relationship in July last year, it’s been unsettling not knowing when or if I’ll have a baby.

Especially because I’m chronically unwell, I’m not sure how much time I’ll be fertile for, and I’m only 20. The medications I’m on, the severity of exacerbations, they all gradually destroy fertility.

My friend just told me today that she’s pregnant. I was happy for her, of course. But now I can’t help but feel so entirely empty. Having kids is all I wanted in my life, having a career and further education were always further down my list of priorities and aspirations.

The idea of not having children has just left me so empty, it just feels like having a shell of a life with nothing in it.

I’m not sure how to deal with that or even move forward.