Help.. anything..

I have severe anxiety and possibly ptsd but I can’t afford seeing a therapist like I desperately need, not even sliding scale. I’ve been in a progressively worse relationship for the last 2 years after mistakes in my religion led me to lose contact with all of my family and friends.. so this guy is all I have.

He is narcissistic and emotionally abusive. But lately I feel like I am to... he screams at me for doing these things to him but they’re the exact things he does to me. Idk what to believe, maybe I am. And half the time I’ve been with him, he has a “low sex drive” which is his excuse for never kissing or touching me, like not even a peck on the lips or holding my hand. He used to want me.. and I know from reading on this app about a husband with low sex drive, he still will kiss you and love you. I feel like trash to him and everyone. I just am so confused. I don’t ever have a clear head or feel confident in anything I say or do. I don’t know myself at all, I just follow what he likes and does. I know that it is a very toxic environment for me but idk how to leave because I will literally be alone... no parents, not a single friend, not even coworkers to turn to - only 2 nice older men that have their own families and don’t care for drama. I just don’t know if I’m emotionally stable to be able to survive not having anyone around and just being in my own head. So I stay with him. But it’s getting so much worse.

I feel so stuck and lost. I’m emotional and balling my eyes out almost every single day. I really don’t know what to do, any encouraging words or advice.. please..