Love and loss — trying again with IUI

Hi everyone,

I had a successful first Clomid/IUI cycle last year in 4/2019 resulting in my first pregnancy and was so happy. Unfortunately, at 23 weeks I went into preterm labor and placental abruption which led to an emergency cesarean section to deliver my son Theo in September 2019. Theo was a fighter and lived for 5 days in the NICU before passing away.

The pain of losing him has been unimaginable and I have had so many bad/angry days when I ask “why me”. Why can’t I get pregnant like most women and have to deal with infertility? Why did I have to unexpectedly lose my son to medical problems I had no control over? Why couldn’t my son stay? To be the 1-in-8 and 1-in-4 is not only unfortunate and unfair, but immensely frustrating. I just want to be able to hold my own baby and be a “normal” woman who’s body has not failed her.

With all that said, the journey through grief is ongoing and we have done many things to help honor Theo. I’m also seeing a therapist regularly. I now have permission from MFM and OBgyn to start TTC again in 3/2020, which cannot come soon enough. I have met with my fertility specialist and we have a plan in place for my IUI cycle. I’m excited, worried, and scared that TTC a second baby will be much harder and longer. (For sure, the pregnancy will be much more high risk.) I have so much love to give and up to this point, I believe I have shown strength to keep fighting. There are just days where the darkness and fear take over.

I just wanted to post and say hi. I hope to interact more with you all as we go through our TTC with IUI journeys.