So I'm a step parent..

And I know I feel very judgy for the kids' mom.

Because I really badly disagree with several decisions she makes on behalf of the kids. Resulting in bad care for the kids. And we do things differently when they are in our care because a lot of things are just not acceptable in our view.

But that's not up for debate here, I always tell the kids they have to respect their mom because she is doing her best in how she feels her children should be raised and if they disagree with her care, they should have a good respectful talk with her.

Now.. It would be nice if that were thesame the other way around. But their mom is only talking shit about us. Anyways, we try to be bigger than that, I do think the kids pick up on that but mostly the younger kids are confused about it.

So lately I feel like I've been having to defend her choices to her eldest, a 13 year old boy, much more often. He's a smart kid but he's comparing our relationships (his dad's and mine to the one of his mother and her husband-to-be). Since she's getting married this year to a guy she's only been with for a year and a half. And we're together for 5 or 6 years now and engaged but taking things slower, which is, in his opinion the more sensible thing to do. In which I tell him that people making different life decisions doesn't mean that one is better than the other. But he keeps bringing it up, together with the amount of guys she's had since she and his dad had divorced.

And I keep telling him he should respect her current relationship. I actually agree with her new relationship most of the time. Obviously the new guy says things we don't agree with, but he's been taking good care of the kids and is involved with the kids and makes sure they're doing ok, are being watched, fed and their homework isn't only done but they understand what they're doing.

I guess I just wanted to share but maybe is there anything else I can do to make sure he understands to respect her relationship and the fact that it's different from ours? Or would it just make that he doesn't bring it up anymore but he'd still be judging? It's causing friction between him and his mom and stepdad.

He only talks to me about his real feelings and he doesn't mind me "explaining" to his dad but he doesn't feel comfortable enough talking to his mom, dad or stepdad because I'm a lot calmer and giving him time and calmness to explain what he's feeling and sometimes ask further to what the real problem is.

@M

(M removed her post but it was about him needing to ask for councelling at his dad or a school counselor, because I can't make that call because I'm not his actual parent, just explaining my next update)

He gets 1:1 councling in school but he doesn't trust her enough and thinks going to her isn't usefull. He also has a logopedist who acts more like a psychologists and a tutor, who he trusts more but I don't think they talk about relationships. More so about school.

I do hate it when people say I'm not their "real parent" so the kids need to talk to a complete stranger 😂

I know I'm not their real parent but that doesn't mean I can't assess their state of mind, their character or their behavior. That doesn't make sense. Definitely not when they choose to talk to me rather than anyone else.

Also he asked his dad for counceling but his mom refuses. Because she was mentally abusive to him he felt really shitty about himself when they divorced, he actually believed he was a bad dad because of her. Which I've seen he isn't. So he signed off all authority (not visitation) towards the kids and she "allows him" to have the kids 50% of the time. Which is a shitty arrangement for him, but even more so for the kids.