We divorced. But in my heart and mind he was still my husband. We had reconciled. And we were going to get remarried. But we wanted to take it slow that way if any problems occurred, we could focus on it one at a time. But really the only concern ended up being his health. (We used to fight ALL the time. Verbally and physically. He got help. And This time around we only had a few heated discussions about his health. Other than that, our relationship seemed perfect.)

I think he was lying to me about not eating McDonald’s in the mornings. He had made a habit of eating there every morning for 3 years. Before we reconciled. His health was not good. I begged him to stop eating out so much and to eat healthier. His toe broke from his weight. He was in the process of getting his insurance to ok a gastric sleeve. And his family was getting on to him about his health too because he’d randomly fall asleep and his breathing sounded horrible.

I told him I wasn’t trying to be mean, and I love him however he looked (as long as he kept his beard -it was a joke), but I wanted him to live a long time. He said he was going to be fine. He said he was going to take care of my son and Me. We had made all these plans. He was calling setting up appointments to look at houses. Then trade in his vehicle for a more family friendly one. We had so many adventures in the 10 months we were back together. And so many more we were going to go on. And then he died. We were just getting started.

Part of me wonders if he knew. Had he went to the hospital, he might be alive. Even if not, I still could have got to see him one last time and say goodbye. I feel he let this happen on purpose because I divorced him and then got pregnant three years later. I feel like it was all to get back at me. I know that’s probably not the case and maybe this is just the anger stage of grief. But it’s bullshit. He did love our son and was excited to be a dad. He was really good with him too.

He died on the 12th last year. All this Valentine’s Day crap makes me sick and feel like my guts are twisting. His funeral was on Valentine’s Day.

I just don’t know how to deal with this.

I just want to sleep until this month is over.

My therapist said I should do something in remembrance of him. Our first date, we went to see the movie Zookeeper. I thought about watching that, but I feel like that’s just going to hurt and I won’t really watch it but cry the entire time. I’m so sick of crying. 😣