A year ago, on that Sunday in February 2019, you came over.

You always came over around 3:30pm. After work and stopping by the nursing home to see your mom.

You met me at the mall, you took me to get my hair dyed for Valentine’s Day.

When we got home, I ended up hating it. You told me to go in and tell them. I got mad because you knew I couldn’t do that. Ended up being a misunderstanding from me so I absolutely hate myself although hormones were still adjusting too I guess, but still. I got mad at you. Over something so stupid. I mean, I wasn’t mad after we talked it out. We went back to normal after a few minutes.

We cuddled back on the couch and watched Good Mythical Morning.

You had to be up early for work the next morning, and you left around 10pm. We hugged, kissed, and told each other “goodnight” and “I love you” as we usually did. You told our son Goodnight and you loved him too. He was 3 months.

Your dryer was messed up. So you didn’t come over Monday. You went and did laundry at the laundry mat. I should have told you to just bring them to my house to save you the money. But I was lacking sleep and didn’t think of it. You told me you were going to call some real estate places so we could start touring a few houses.

Around 2am, I just got my 3 month old to sleep. I was about to doze off and then you messaged me. You said you felt horrible. That your leg cramped and you fell. That you called your brother. I asked if you were ok. And then I dozed off. I am so sorry for that.

I woke up. Earlier than usual. 9am? I usually sleep until 12. My son was still sleeping. I messaged you “good morning handsome. Are you feeling any better?” Then got out of bed to get something to drink and change my sons diaper. I go back to lay down and glance over your text messages. You stayed bored and would text me about once an hour.

You didn’t sleep. You went to Walmart. And then straight to work. At Walmart you said you felt you were burning up and out of breath. You asked me if I was mad at you. (Why would I have been mad at you?) the last text I got was around 6:30am. You said you came back inside the building you work. I felt a bit uneasy. But I figured work was busy.

You called my phone. You had been coughing a lot. The dr you saw a week ago said your lungs sounded clear. I figured you might have left work and was going to go get a second opinion.

I answered “hello handsome.” It wasn’t you calling. It was your brother. He said you were dead. And all I could do is scream No.

I went to see some of your family. To find out what happened. On the way home, my mom had a pop station playing on the radio, and a Sleeping with Sirens song came on. It was one of the songs that was on our wedding playlist. When we got back home, something was in the door. You told me you had a surprise coming in the mail. And of all days, I get it the day you die. I opened it and it was a foam bear covered in foam roses. You knew I hated real flowers because they die.

I didn’t want to walk into that funeral home on Valentine’s Day. We were supposed to go to the movies. Not this. My mom had to push me in there. Your fingers and ears were black. They had makeup caked allover your nose and arms. I don’t understand what we did to deserve this.

You died alone and you thought I was mad. I wasn’t mad. I fell asleep. 😭

Who knew a year ago, would be the last time I got to hug you. The last time I got to see you. Kiss you. Smell you.

It’s been a year, and it still hurts as much as it did then. You were my one in a trillion. I miss you and I love you so much.