Yesterday I had a nurse visit for the baby and myself and I was asked to take screening test for PPD. I suffered with PPD from my first pregnancy due to my son being born @ 24 weeks but never had the courage to speak out about it and I always just lied on the screening test. But this is my second and I have been having an extremely hard time with PPD. I already suffer from regular depression and anxiety (which I stopped seeking help for a few years back thinking I was fine). PPD this time around was slowly creeping up on me and before I knew it I started becoming suicidal, self harmed and have been crying every single day. When I took my screening yesterday, I told myself that I do not want to suffer like I did last time and that I need to be honest so I can finally get the help that I need. Well, I scored a 25/30 and the nurse said that was the highest score she’s ever seen and I had to go to the emergency room immediately for evaluation. I was so embarrassed, so scared... thinking they would take my baby away and send me away to a crazy hospital. At the emergency room, it was so hard for me to explain why I was there but I was able to build up the courage and tell my truth. I spoke to multiple doctors while there and we came up with a plan to help with my PPD , regular depression and anxiety. I will be going to group meetings 5 days a week for the next two weeks and seeing a psychiatrist for therapy / getting me on some sort of medication.

I’m terrified of the thought of having to depend on medicine to make me “normal” and I’m like this even with just regular, over the counter medicine. I hate taking medicine because I feel like I have to depend on it and I just don’t like the thought of that. But I am tired of the suffering, and I need to be here for my children. So if having to take medication to finally be back to who I was years ago and to stay here on this earth for my babies, then that’s the sacrifice I’m willing to take. I will say though that since finally speaking up about my ppd and regular depression/anxiety, I feel like a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders. I feel like for once, I was able to block out the negative voices/thoughts in my head and take back control of my mind and life.

I’m finally ready for help and I’m ready to live life happily again.