When is the right time to ask for help?

I went to my 6weeks postpartum appointment last weekend. After birth I had a couple days of baby blues. Feeling overwhelmed and sad about adding baby number 2 to the family yet overjoyed at the same time. I cried off and on for a few days but then eventually I felt great. I was adjusting to being a mother of 2 and everything was great until it wasnt.

Things progressively became overwhelming again, I became sad and angry and bitter. I didn't exactly want to harm myself but I just wanted to disappear for a while. Thats how I felt when I went to my postpartum checkup. The question that asked if I have had thoughts of harming myself or if I felt I would be better off dead, I checked no because at that point I didn't want to really hurt myself or die.

Four days later and I'm filled with absolute dread. I dont even feel sad, I dont even show the emotion, I just dont want to be here. I left my fiance randomly this evening with the kids so I could go on a drive. Normally going on a ride and listening to music can mellow me out and put me into a better headspace. But not today. This evening I was driving around and all I could think about was driving into a ditch or a tree. Every bridge I passed I envisioned just jumping off of it.

I had suicidal tendencies in the past, so this isnt all new to me but I haven't felt like this in a really long time. I have an appointment with my therapist at the end of this week but I'm contemplating seeking help before then. But I'm absolutely terrified. I don't know if I'm more terrified of seeking help or more terrified of myself at this point.