I think I’ve posted here once before in this room so I’ll give you a background story

So I’ve been having my struggles with anxiety and depression for almost a year now. I hit my darkest and lowest point thus far earlier in the fall and part of winter. The motivation to do anything was nonexistent, at one point I thought I may have been having some suicidal thoughts. Nothing even close to having any plans set but just pondering the idea and if anyone would care that much if I just left this world one day. Plus during that time, there was a lot of crap happening with an ex friend of mine and senior year getting stressful (I’ll save the details for later).

But I think things overall have started to get better bit by bit. By no means am I free of my shackles but I am on the road of getting better. I still have my days when I am still really depressed and feel ughhh. Oh trust me, I’ve had like ten mental breakdowns since I’ve been back from winter break and I still freak out over everything. But I know that one day at a time, it’ll get better.

However, a part of me is worried. What if, several months from now, I relapse and get super depressed again? Hypothetically this time next year I’d be in college and I can’t be freaking out emotionally just cuz I’m having one of my “depressive moments”. And the odds that I’d be able to see a therapist again anytime soon are almost close to zero(we stopped going because of expenses). I’m worried that because of any possible relapses, that it’d tank my motivation again and it’d flunk me out of any hopes of becoming a clinical psychologist. Last but not least, this is also making me a bit worried because there’s parts of me that wonders if I am getting suicidal thoughts again. And the times I feel it the most is when my period is here. Literally just a couple of days ago I was thinking some pretty dark thoughts and how horrible of a person I was/am to my family. Other than that I don’t really get those thoughts but why just once a month do I feel like absolute trash?

Any advice would really be appreciated. There’s a huge part of me that is really reluctant to mention what I just said in my previous paragraph to my counselor (I’ve seen her a lot since October and I’ve shared a lot of what’s been going on). Plus I’m not feeling in the mood to discuss with her or anyone else about what has been going on with my fam and I. Also please feel free to dm me any advice or encouragement.