Super long post...

I’ve never really been a fan or been super comfortable around my in-laws... my husband and I moved pretty fast in our relationship. We got engaged after just 7 months of dating, and we were already living together with his parents (as he was still in school). My MIL would always say how she was ready for us to have her grandkids, would ask when we would have kids (before even getting married!) I don’t think we ever really got over that beginning, awkward feeling when you meet new people. I still don’t really feel comfortable being alone with my in-laws.. we got married in 2017 and in 2018 we bought our first home and we moved out! They never really came over or asked to come over until we would have family dinners. But they would always complain to my husband about how we never come over or see them anymore. I would always tell my husband “we have a house now.. they do know that they can come visit us too, right? But they never do. So they shouldn’t be complaining about us not coming over when they never come over either..” time past and they just never came over unless it was for dinners (maybe 1 a month or few months apart) or for the holidays (if we hosted) in January 2019, I found out I was pregnant with our first! I was soo excited to tell everyone. I made a cute onesie to tell my in-laws and made nothing for my mom since she kept telling us to wait and I just assumed she wouldn’t be excited... once we told them, my mom was so excited and wanted me to confirm with doctor. But my MIL was just like “congrats” I was expecting an over the top reaction from her... I regret not doing something special to tell my mom.. the entire pregnancy my mom would check in on me, text me, bring me food, ask how I was feeling, started to buy a bunch of baby items for both genders( all from goodwill so she didn’t spend a fortune on everything she got, thank goodness!) My MIL never checked in on me, never texted, never really did anything. And if we got together for dinner, she would just ask how I was and that was it for the rest of the night. She downloaded an app to check progress of baby and app said “your daughters baby is ____” and she just says “Ha! It says ‘daughter’ you’re not my daughter.. why would it assume that?” And I just sat there... and my SIL just said “well... she IS your daughter inLAW...” Pregnancy was super hard on me. I was throwing up for about 12 weeks straight. I ended up getting pancreatitis around 20 weeks, but doctors thought it was just heartburn. But then it got really bad and I couldn’t even drink water without being in extreme pain. Finally, after going to L&D many times from that pain, they found it was issues with my pancreas. Had surgery to remove gallstones at 35 weeks pregnant. Started to get regular contractions so I got a shot to stop them. A week and a half later, my water broke and had a C-section. A month after delivering, had another surgery to remove my gallbladder.. So went through all of that, plus just normal pregnancy pains and discomfort.. My entire pregnancy, I felt invisible and ignored by his entire family. Felt like no one really cared that I was even pregnant or that anyone was even excited since this was their first grandchild... I would go out of my way to include them with everything that was going on with baby, would invite them to come to appts when we would do ultrasounds, etc etc.. I kept telling my husband, “I feel like your family doesn’t care that I’m pregnant... I feel invisible.” And he would always say “well it’s cause she’s not here yet.. they can’t see her and it’s not their baby, so they can’t exactly connect or anything” I always felt that was a bad reason, since my mom was so excited and showed lots of interest! I would tell my husband, “if they end up wanting to come over all the time once she’s here, that’s gonna annoy me. They showed no interest in me being pregnant or anything.. I’m not gonna be okay with them coming over all the time just cause she’s here” well... that’s exactly what happened. They would come over probably 3 times a week and would constantly ask to come over. They would stay for about 4-6hrs when they would come. When they were here, they still never asked how I was or anything. They would come over and just pay attention to our daughter and completely ignore us. I had the gallbladder removal surgery 2 days before my birthday, so I was in pain on my birthday. They asked to come over cause it was my birthday and they just spent it interacting with our daughter. I told my husband that was the worst birthday I’ve ever had... It got to the point that I just absolutely can not stand them.. I don’t want them around and especially around my daughter.. I know I can’t keep her away from family, but I just feel like they don’t deserve that time with her. I’m angry ALL the time. Angry that they get to babysit her, angry that they interact with her, angry that they want to see her. My MIL was so excited and looking forward to kissing her, but after everything of how I felt/feel, I told her I wasn’t comfortable with anyone kissing her besides us. She was really devastated about that, and I don’t know if I’m not okay with kissing because I didn’t grow up with my grandparents kissing me or because I’m just so angry with them. We have sat down and talked to them and even after talking, I still can’t let go of how I felt when I was pregnant. During Christmas, my husband and I had a fight the night before and I told him I didn’t want anyone holding her. No one held her at all and everything was good until when people started to leave. My husband was holding our daughter and my SIL was about to leave. When my MIL just says “hey. Don’t you want to hold her? You didn’t touch her. You have to touch her. Come on. Here (hands her hand sanitizer) go on, touch her and hold her” I was hoping my husband would say “not right now” but I just see him passing her to my SIL and I immediately get angry and say “well no one asked me” to my husband.. I left the room to clean up the kitchen and when I return, my MIL is holding her now. I get even more angry... I stared at my husband and left again. I could just hear them laughing and interacting with her and I was just getting angrier and angrier... I returned again after 10mins and now my FIL is holding her. And my husband is taking pictures of them.. later once they all left. My husband told me he was hoping they could hold her and take pictures quickly so I wouldn’t see it. That made me even more angry and I was hurt that he would do that after I had said I didn’t want anyone holding her. I left for work and I just wanted to die. I was extremely angry and hurt that I just kept thinking about dying. How to do it. Where and when I would do it. I was wishing that a car would hit me and I could just die there.. I told my husband how I felt and what I was thinking and he had no idea how bad and angry my feelings were until that day... He still doesn’t get it but he listens when I tell him that no one will hold her.. Months pass and we have family dinner at their house, I leave to go to the bathroom and see their picture wall.. I see they have the pictures they took of them with our daughter on Christmas and I get upset... I’m not really sure why I’m posting. Not sure if I want advice, since everyone I’ve told or posted about this, everyone says I basically have issues and that I’m not normal, then I feel worse about myself. I’m not sure if this is part of postpartum depression or what... I don’t know what to do. I keep getting told I need to control my anger. But if I can’t keep her away from my in-laws and everything they do and say angers me, why would I want to deal with that and let them have all the time with her? How much will I keep dealing with for their sake before it’s too late for me..? When is it okay to speak out on the stuff I’m not okay with wether that’s normal or not?? My husband and I want another baby in 2-4 years and I keep going back and forth on that since I’m nervous about having to leave our daughter with them for when I go deliver next baby. Or in-laws babysitting both kids.. And all these anger feelings are not felt when my mom babysits or holds her or anything.. I avoid family things because I don’t want people asking to hold her and I’m too anxious about her crying in public but I need to go out! Ugh!