I don’t know what to do ..

I’m feeling pretty pathetic writing this , especially because these things were so stupid and cause by me and no one else ... there’s been a few occasions when I drink and I don’t realize how much I’m drinking and I over do it , resulting in violence , I black out .. I always thought it was cause I have a rough past and it’s anger that is in my subconscious.. in reality ,idk , but whatever the reason is , I hate myself so much .. somehow in the event of things my bf dragged me on the floor and I called the cops but they ended up blaming me cause I was so drunk ( I think he was trying to kick me out ) honestly it was so damn stupid , because We were both drunk and I only remember a few pieces of it.. my point is I feel so horrible about this , I apologized, my mom ended up coming to help me calm down and it was just a huge unecessary mess .. that day was supposed to be fun we had finally found a babysitter for the night and I ruined it ... now I have a lot of things I need to do and I’m embarrassed to take my baby to my mom ( she usually has her 2 days a week for about 2 hours ) and I just don’t even want to do anything or see anyone and I feel so horrible with my bf , like I’m scared to piss him off because I feel like he might bring up what I did , I do every single thing he asks me to do even if I don’t feel good or it’s hard for me to do ... I have depression and take medicine for it and at this point I don’t know what to do.. I just want to sleep and never wake up , I feel like I can’t even take care of my baby .. Things like this have happened maybe once a year or so when I over do it , but once is too much ... & I’m considering even just locking myself up in a mental hospital , but I can’t leave my baby ... 😥😢 what can I possibly do ? I feel completely alone, like I’ve never heard of anyone doing something as stupid as this ..... if you read all of it , thank you .. I’m just struggling to breathe and even just be alive right now ..