I told my husband I didn't want to have sex anymore...

Background: We have never been compatible. I thought with time, it would get better? I don't know what I thought. He has never had a healthy sex life. He was cheated on and supposedly only had sex while intoxicated. In the beginning, I was sensitive to his past. I made sure I never made him feel inadequate, even though he didn't last long and I went many times without an orgasm, I kept trying. One night I showed up in heels and lingerie, I walked in and got straight to business. I sucked him til he came, then got him hard again and rode him. My feedback? That was awful and he never wanted to do that again. The really hurt my feelings.

Eventually he asked me to show him things. I had had a more exploratory sex life. So I introduced a vibrator and cock ring. He told me it was stupid and a waste of time. He told me didn't like it at all. He also told me my clit was too small and I got to wet so that's why he didnt enjoy sex with me. For some stupid reason, I kept trying.

He has told me a plethora of crap including I am the only one he has lost an erection with, his last girlfriend had a similar sex drive, I had saggy tits, my vagina is loose, he tried to give me a vibrator he bought for his ex-girlfriend (yes I made that post), he has rejected me many nights, tells me I got sex earlier this week and I should be good for longer than I am. The list goes on....

He rarely touched me including foreplay of any kind. When he does, he will watch tv (if it is on) or just look away. One time he was in his phone.

Recently, we've made some progress. I have said I no longer wanted to have sex anymore many times. It has been emotionally painful for me. He gets all pissed off and says no. I always cave because I actually crave my husband (weird I know) Our progress always regresses though. He goes back to desiring nothing, putting forth no effort and shaming me for things I desire. (He has had his hormones checked but he blames his age, he is 49)

We really need therapy. But I don't even know where to begin. I feel like it is easier to just remove intimacy and sex from the marriage. I feel so disgusting, unworthy, unattractive, undesirable. It is a painful place to be at the hands of your husband.

He always puts how he makes me feel back onto me. Says I have expectations of him like I think he is a porn star. I just want to be desired! I am just done crying 😭😭😭