*triggers*

I'm so sorry to write this here, but I need to get it out.

For roughly two years I have been sick every single day. I've gone from a size 14 to a size 4, and the hospital has been absolutely no help. I hounded them for months, got pregnant in the process, and they still didn't care. To the point where I have given up now. I am so run down (I've become anemic), I try my hardest to care for my daughter, but I just struggle so badly. Because my immune system is damaged, I get ill constantly, and so its difficult. My family/partner all call me dramatic, and downplay the issues, and honestly I think I do too.. I just try and push on. But I've been doing this for so long, it's taken a real tole on my mental health. Since becoming pregnant I've been feeling down, but lately there is no other word than depressed. In November I became pregnant and due to my ill health I had to have a termination, that I didn't want. I feel like I was so overwhelmed and upset that I just went along with it. I turned to my mother and told her about it, I asked her not to tell anyone, yet She told everyone. So I can't even go to her anymore. The thoughts of suicide cross my mind regularly at this point. My partner works huge shifts, and when he's not in work, he's arranging work with his boss, or doing paperwork. Lately, I feel like I'm begging him for help.

He worked away on the weekend, and so I was alone. I got really down, and tried chocking myself with a piece of long fabric. My daughter started to cry (it was the middle of the night and she woke up), which snapped me out of it. He got home yesterday and I begged him to take a day off and help me. I didn't tell him what I had done, but I told him I really needed support. He said he was too busy, but that he would only do 'a couple of hours' in the morning and he would be home to spend time with us. We planned on going out and spending time with our daughter together (rare). So whilst he was working, I got myself and my daughter ready for him to come home. 6pm rolls around and he walks through the door.. And I am heart broken. I told him I was struggling, and how much I needed him today, and he asked me to "give him a chance".. He said work isn't more important than us.. And then he didn't show up.

I honestly don't know how much more of this I can take. I used to be such a strong person. And now I just feel broken. I feel like a terrible mother, and I feel like I'm all alone.

If you've made it this far, I'm so sorry to bother you with this story.. I just have no where else to turn. I so badly want to give up. If it wasn't for my daughter, I think I'd already be gone.