Discuss something you haven’t told your partner. Why?

Question

Is there a pattern to the things you have trouble expressing to your partner? How have you overcome a similar situation in the past? Do you have a plan to talk to your partner about this thing? If so, how?

Answer

My first husband was mentally, emotionally, and physically abusive. I was constantly on eggshells. Never felt like I could talk about anything because I never knew what was going to set him off. 
Fast forward to my second husband. Total opposite. I can openly express anything and everything without fear. Fear of anger, fear of judgement, fear of him taking it personally. He knows everything. He's worked very hard to help create a safe place for me to unload my mental and emotional burdens. He's aware of my triggers, he's never so much as raised his voice at me, when I have flashback nightmares (finally got a PTSD diagnosis this last year. 6 years after the fact) I wake up in a panic, checking my body for bruises. I get real jumpy and anxious. To the point where he just wants to hold me but my body reacts by flinching away from him. He never takes it personally, as much as I know it hurts him to see me in that state. He's never hurt for himself because of it. He's truly a wonderful man. It took awhile for us to get to the point where I can be super open with him, but all the effort hes put into it helped a lot. If he wasn't who he is, we probably wouldn't be where we are.

Answer

I am an honest and open book, I am completely open when it comes to conversations. He knows everything about me. He knows about bathroom stuff. My period, Past relationships and sexual experiences, I have a u-haul sized truck of past baggage and emotional baggage and he knows it all. I tell him if a guy hits on me. If I see an ex of mine. Everything. Nothing to hide. He knows my financial situations. I tell him when I go shopping and take pictures of the outfits or how much I spent. My past is a lot. Most guys are overwhelmed and taken back. But with him, I have no fear of telling him anything. We are like best friends and that’s how it should be with everyone. If you have to hide things or sugar coat things to spare their feelings or have to walk on egg shells to avoid a fight or an argument or a huge blow out or abuse,  then you are with the wrong person. That person needs to work on their communication skills or past trauma or other issues. Never tolerate abuse or toxic relationships. You deserve better than that. And if issues arise talk about them. No need for a screaming match. Talk calmly and remember that it’s you and him on the same team against the problem not you verses him or who has to win or be right in the end. “I feel we” phrases. I feel we aren’t communicating like we used to. I feel we need to spend more time together. I feel we need to go over finances and see where we can make some improvements. Etc. No need for name calling or belittling the other. No need for: you always or you never or bringing up the past or accusing them or being defensive etc. the minute you raise your voice they stop listening. Listening is a big one. Listen, not to react or defend or accuse or talk over them, or over react or twist their words etc. listen to understand where they are coming from. Everything stems from something else. Trust issues, doubts, insecurities, jealousy, abandonment issues. From past relationships or parents or childhood etc. And when you understand why, you deal with those issues, so they don’t sabotage future relationships. Talk to each other. Seek counseling if you need to alone or together. Learn to communicate better and effectively. Good luck.

Discuss something you haven’t told your partner. Why?

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