Fear of marriage?

Little background, my fiancé and I have been together for 3.5 years. We have a son together & we’re very happy together.

Over a year ago, when he was in the police academy & could barely come home, we broke up for a couple months. We just weren’t on the same page with where we wanted to go & I wanted time to work on myself.

During that time, I was drinking a lot & had a lot of insecurities & I allowed myself to hook up with others when I was completely hammered. Like I don’t even remember it.

So when my fiancé proposed a couple weeks ago, I told him about it because I don’t want to hide anything from him.

He told me it’s okay & he wants to work on us so we can be better. But I’m now feeling guilty for everything I’ve ever done in my past. A lot of my sexual experiences weren’t things I wanted but happened because I was too scared to say “no” or “stop.

I’m having a lot of self hate and self judgement right now. It got so bad, I didn’t eat for 6 days straight, I’ve lost almost 20 lbs in 3 weeks. So I finally admitted myself to the hospital for a mental breakdown.

They said I have PTSD from childhood sexual abuse & an abusive relationship I was in from 15-18 years old.

I’m on a lot of anxiety & depression meds because of it.

But now I’m suddenly terrified to get married.

I wanted this so bad for so long. And now that we’re engaged, I’m so scared to get married.

Maybe it’s because I’ve already been divorced once. And I’m just scared of that happening with someone I TRULY love more than anything.

but how do I get past this feeling?

I looked up fear of marriage, and all the concerns I’ve been having are the “most common fears of marriage” which makes me feel better. But I’m done feeling scared and anxious. I want to be happy and enjoy our engagement and be excited to plan our wedding.

I just don’t know what to do anymore. I feel so lost. And I’ve talked to my fiancé about all of this & he’s been extremely supportive and understanding. Which makes me feel even worse about not knowing why I feel this way.

If you’ve read this far, thank you. And please give me any advice you have. I’m doing a lot of self therapy & listening to self love podcasts. But every bit on advice i can get is appreciated.