I hate having autism

I just hate it so much. I can’t seem to have a normal relationship because I can’t open up to people. I met someone I really like and last Friday night, he was supposed to sleep over and he called me by his ex-wife’s name during what’s supposed to be a beautiful and intimate moment. I got dressed and just completely shut down (it’s part of the Asperger’s, sensory overload). I just laid there in my room and when he tried to turn me over, I shut my eyes and put my hands over my ears. He called his dad to pick him up and he’s been texting and calling me all weekend and he sent me a text today that says “You wanna talk yet?” I just left everything on “read” and I just hit the red X whenever he called. I just can’t find the strength to answer the phone or respond to his texts. All I’ve been doing is drinking and cutting the pain away. (That’s another reason I’m scared to see him. I don’t want him to see the damage). I want to talk, but I can’t do it. I’m damned if I do, I’m damned if I don’t.