Every cycle I feel like I come across “signs” or people saying “I think you’re pregnant”, “I had a dream you were pregnant”, or even just certain symptoms come up and you start to believe that every little thing is letting you know that well maybe this is my month that eventually with all the signs and intuitions from other people you are convinced... you start taking tests even though you may even be too early but you hope for a surprise and you’re let down and overwhelmed with emotion because of the BFN... you squint, move the test into different positions, hold a flashlight up to it.. you know it’s negative but you hope it changes before your eyes... until you throw it away and tell yourself I’m a little crazy.. and AF makes her appearance days after... sometimes even the same day..

I hate this feeling every cycle.. It’s exhausting.. emotional.. overwhelming... I tell myself all the time that if it’s meant to be it’ll be but then people always want to put in their superstitions or feelings and convince you all over again.. they all mean well and maybe they say it with the intention to keep me hopeful and or want to be the ones who say “I knew it” but it’s frustrating when people don’t realize how much pain it also brings when you’re faced alone waiting to read a test for it to not give you the answer you hope, pray and dream for.. to have to tell your other half when AF arrives to see a glimpse of sadness run across their face because they know exactly what that means but quickly kiss you and joke around to try to be your rock changing the subject to something more joyful.

I know I’m not alone in this never ending TTC rollercoaster.. I’m doing my best to stay positive because that’s just the person I’ve always been... but Im getting tired and beginning to feel like it’ll never be in the cards for me to have a child of my own. I’m not sure if I can ever come to terms with that... and the thought scared the living hell out of me.. but Im not giving up.. I won’t let my emotions overcome me.. There is a plan for me and I’ll be blessed one day and understand exactly why.

I know there are many women experiencing these same emotions and I am writing this originally as a rant full of anger and emotion but I started to realize that I can’t let this get to me.. I can’t let it beat me and bring me down.. so whether any of you read this or not... just know.. you are not alone and this life of ours will work itself out and our dreams will come true one day... this journey is a blessing in disguise and we should cherish, understand, and love every part of it.. the good and the bad.. because when that blessing finally arrives all of it would have been worth it.. There is a plan and a reason for everything.