Will I regret not having kids?

Excuse my very late night loopy rant. I just took my sleeping pills a while ago and I’m laying down and my thoughts are starting to organize and my heart is heavy right now. I am only 23 so I have plenty of time to ponder.

I was going back and forth for a while. Having babies to me seems to be a much bigger deal to me than everyone else my age, because everyone just does it. Like immediately gets married and has a baby bam bam done.

Me? I can’t just do it. I love kids, I love babies. I’m good with babies, people ask for my help with their babies. I’m requested for baby sitting by people I’ve never even personally met because someone else told them about me. I love teaching kids new things, I love singing to them, bonding with them, playing with them. Taking care of children is satisfying to me so I have maternal bones in my body.

But me having babies? Weird.

I like my life the way it is. I sleep at night, I only have to feed myself and my pets. I get to watch tv with no interruptions, pee by myself, leave anytime I want (added; when there’s no pandemics) , I have quiet time. I can take long showers, and I really really like it that way. My house stays clean.

I can fully ignore the outside voices of society “you’re selfish for not reproducing.”

“It’s what you’re supposed to do.”

I don’t care. I know that if I do choose to be a mom one day, I’d be a good one. But I’m fine where I am now.

I’m fine with being selfish right now. If I’m truly a selfish person, I shouldn’t be having children anyways. Children are a huge, life altering decision. Where nothing is about you anymore. You have to change the whole way you live your life. You have to create functional humans and feed them vegetables.

Maybe, that “one day.” Will never come. Maybe I will never want kids, but then I sit and then about the day when I’m really really old and alone.

And it won’t be about having someone to take care of me, it will be about things I regret. Will I regret not ever having children? Will I ache in my soul with my regrets about it?

I don’t know. I have no freaking idea while other people my age are onto their 3rd kids and this is a major source of anxiety for me and I don’t understand this at all. It makes me feel like my growth is stunted. It hurts.