Mentally ill dad kicked me out, I need help.

**HUGE TW FOR ABUSE** Okay... Jeez, where to start with this one. Hello, I am a freshly 18 year old girl and I still live with my father, whom is very schizoaffective, which is (in his specific case) a disorder crossed with bipolar disorder and schizophrenia (non-diagnosed but it's very clear he struggles with it due to past heavy use of hard drugs and his behaviors that I will document today). He is technically my uncle, but he has becime dad to me due to my real parents being in prison during my birth. So, ever since my Grandma passed away way back in my year of 6th grade, in which she was my mother figure and he lived with her to help raise me, things have been slowly but surely spiraling out of control. Before we get into this bullshit, I have to make this completely clear: my dad DOES love me. The dad that ISN'T ridden with these demons that use him as a puppet. Please don't think I'm trying to paint myself as some little helpless girl who does no wrong. I have definitely had my fair share of ups and downs throughout this, I just need to get this out before I pop.

Backstory:

So, I started out believing my dad was completely normal, I just thought he was your average overly clingy parent who constantly tried to be your best friend, which I wasn't comfortable with but I would stay respectful towards him and his feelings. Fast forward a few years in without my Grandma, and he seems to be in some sort of strange cycle: He starts thinking people from his drug-ridden past are spreading 'lies' about him, cussing and saying horrible things about said people, but he never even has names for these people like they're complete strangers that he somehow has connections with? Then, he believes I'm talking shit about him behind his back to my friends or whoever, gets all in my face upset about it, cursing me out, calling me horrible things, won't hear me out, threatens to kick me out, even DOES kick me out, then apologizes a few hours to a few days later. A month or so passes, and the cycle repeats. Sometimes, even going out in public was a huge struggle for him. One time we were in the line at our local grocery store and there was this lady chatting on the phone in front of us obviously talking to her son or some relative, and I look over to my dad who seems to have some sort of switch in energy completely, to which he says "hold on." And he walks up to the lady and starts saying things like "don't you EVER talk about me again motherfucker, you dont know who you're fucking dealing with, I'll smash your fucking face in if you even dare talk about that shit again you stupid bitch", causing me to completely lose control of my emotions and I ended up sprinting out of the store in fear of seeing anything progress. He would then come out of the store acting like nothing even happened, even going as far to lie straight to my face saying "oh haha no she was just a friend I was saying hello to.", and if I kept crying he would start to cuss me out like I was the one being delusional. Keep in mind this is only one example, these things have happened a handful of times again and before that point.

To this day:

I've completely cut off 99% of any emotional attachment to him, and I hate to admit, but I've been lashing out at him QUITE a lot lately, yelling and crying and basically BEGGING him to just be a 'normal' parent, to which he definitely doesn't understand he has very vivid delusions and continues to do very strange things. I really should know better at this point... I know, I should be nicer with him knowing he's EXTREMELY mentally unstable, but I've completely lost all hope and respect for him due to the way he's treated me, never owning up to what he says or does, constantly trying to buy my love, and trying to make me his best buddy when everything is through with as if he was the only one suffering, not me. It's as if I'm not even allowed to be upset at him anymore since this has been going on for so long, but I can't get over it and I dont think I ever will. All I want is my old dad back. The one I grew up with who WASN'T scaring me constantly, one who ISN'T mentally draining me every second of my life, one who NEVER manipulates and lies to me. But that's not going to happen, and I still don't know how to accept that.

Today, all I did was walk into the kitchen to ask him a question, so I said "hey dad?" To which he replied: "Just to let you know, I'm NOT your dad. Don't EVER insult me by calling me your father. Our little 'thing' is over. Once your boyfriend comes home, I'll show you just how serious I fucking am." And I just took a deep breath and replied in a calm voice: "I didn't do a THING to you. This is the FIRST thing I've said to you this morning, you seemed COMPLETELY fine the night before, and now you're saying this. Okay, be that way. You will NOT drag me down and ruin my morning. You have a NASTY attitude, please don't talk to me until you're in a different mood." And I immediately left to go to my room. I've sat here trying to keep my cool but the tears keep coming. I should know better than this to let these things get to me but he is the only dad I have, the only dad I constantly worry about whether he believes it or not, and I simply cannot bring myself to leave him in the dust knowing he 1000% needs serious help. He claims to be a devoted Christian, constantly watching preachers on tv, talking about the bible all the time, and he still goes back and unleashes his demons all on me. I've stayed with him because he has CONSTANTLY told me without me in his life he would go back to getting in trouble with drugs or even end up committing suicide. Im seriously sick to my stomach at this point. My boyfriend lives with us just because his household sucks and my dad completely loves him and supports him staying here, and now he's going to rip it away with no further explanation. Im hoping and literally praying to god that this is just another episode, that once my boyfriend gets home from work he can sit down and have a nice respectful conversation with my dad and help flatten the tension (as he usually does, being very level headed and a very good mediator when my father wont even look at my face without cursing me to shreds). Im really going to regret saying this but... I can't even bring myself to love him anymore. I feel so filled with sadness to where I'm almost completely numb. I want more than anything is this world for him to be okay, but he will never listen or allow me to help. Even when he does listen, he always goes back on his word, shattering every last piece of trust I have with him.

Conclusion:

So, I suppose the meaning of this post is just to vent about my living situation for the past 7 years, and gain some advice from anyone who's willing to share some criticism on how I'm handling things and what I should do. Thank you for giving me the time of day and reading this nasty shit, and please look out for others going through it at home, especially during this whole pandemic. Thank you. ❤️