I hate myself for the way I’ve been feeling about him

I posted a while ago about my boyfriend, originally anonymously.

We’ve been having a lot of problems, a lot of arguments and I know myself it’s a bad situation. He falls out with me a lot and the arguments drag on for days and days even though I don’t really know what I’ve done. I feel like everything I do or say is wrong and he calls me names and laughs when I react and things.

I know I need to leave, I just don’t really know how. I’ve never left someone before. At least not someone I’ve been in a relationship with for as long. I’ve said I don’t want to see someone again after a date or two, but that’s different.

My main issue is that I absolutely hate myself for the way I sometimes feel about him now. I’ve loved him so so much, I’d do anything to protect him and I’ve always wanted him to be happy. I still do, I don’t wish him any harm, but sometimes now, when he’s in a bad mood, I start thinking and feeling like I detest him. And I feel so horrible about it. I feel so guilty and I don’t want to feel like this about him. I thought we were forever, I thought he was my one and only, but now I just feel like a terrible person 😔