This isn’t working...

My partner and I have been together for 3 years. In the beginning we were head over heels and there was nothing but love and affection on both ends.

In January we had a miscarriage. I was a mess. He is 18 years older than me and we have completely different upbringing. I am a loving generous person by nature, he is more tough and emotions don’t come natural to him. We started to fight about little things that grew to day to day arguments. We fight about things like money, trust, and not compromising with each other. I ended up calling it quits and to my surprise found out I was pregnant again.

He acts like he doesn’t see how unhappy I am. I feel extremely used by him, financially, physically and mentally. In the year we’ve been living together the man has never paid a bill. I work extremely hard for what I have and struggle often to provide even for myself but always find a way to take care of everything for us by myself. He can be so hurtful and never takes the time to apologize or stop and think how his actions or lack of make me feel.

Being a mother was something I always wanted, I hate to say it but at this point I’m excited but not excited to be sharing this experience with him. His true colours have really shown and I’m very torn with how I’m feeling. He is older than me and has been clear that he wants children, I feel like I was just used to bear his children and don’t feel loved or appreciate by him, who I am doesn’t matter as long as he gets what he wants for himself.

With Covid-19 I don’t have the luxury of leaving the house and keeping myself busy with my coworkers I’ve grown to love and trust. Everyone agrees this man is not good for me, however I am almost 30 and the idea of having my own family is something I’ve always dreamed about. He has recently started a job, which luckily gives me a break for myself during the day and evenings. I feel like my mood increases when I’m not around him, and the second he comes in my mood drops.

I feel like my whole world has been turned upside down and he doesn’t understand that. He sees how hard this pregnancy has been on my body, vomiting most days and struggling with sleep and anxiety. At this point he has no interest sleeping with me (not that I’m overly eager to be intimate with someone who makes me fee like this) but at the same time my body is changing and having him make comments about my weight change and appearance makes me want to curl up in a ball and cry. I had to call the police to escort him out the other day as he came home late drunk and very aggressive. My family despises him, my friends feel the same. I’m trying so hard to do this with him but it’s just tearing me apart.

I had my first OB appointment yesterday. It was exciting to get to hear how my little cub is doing. This morning I told him on our next visit the doctor could find out the gender but I want to keep it as a surprise for my friends and family to reveal to me down the road. He is very frustrated as HE wants to know the sex. I asked him to respect my wishes as this is something important to me and would be a positive celebration amid all of the stress and craziness that’s currently going on. He believes I’m being selfish and taking away the right that he has to know if he’s having a boy or not 🙄. I just walked away crying and he seems unbothered. I’m so hurt I don’t want to fight anymore. I just feel like I’ve earned the right to keep this a surprise for myself as I don’t trust him to not throw it in my face in an argument which would take away that moment for me.

I just really wish he would step up and put me first for once. Consider my feelings and want to provide me with love and support. I know this isn’t going to magically happen, I just feel terrible kicking him out of him home as he finally started his new job and this is his home (even though he doesn’t pay for it.)

I’m terrified to do this alone, but I feel like I already am. I’m tired of being disappointed, I’m tired of feeling like my feelings come last or not at all.