I was a bad mom today.

I cried most of the day today. My baby was so fussy and I just couldn't take it. I even, for a split second, found myself feeling regret.. I love him so much and of course I don't actually regret having him.. But why did we think we were ready for a baby? Am I not cut out for this? Should we have waited? I'm mentally and physically exhausted and emotionally drained.

He is 36.5 weeks so maybe this is the leap or sleep regression or both, I don't know. He is so unhappy I feel like I'm failing him. And I still don't know what his different cries mean.

We are still up 4 times overnight. And it's all me because my baby is breastfed and won't take a bottle. I haven't had longer than 3-4 hours sleep at a time in over 8 months now. It's usually 2. We sleep trained so he falls asleep without sleep props, so I can only assume he's actually hungry when he wakes up and cries. I don't know. Makes me nervous to try any night weaning cause I don't want him to be hungry.

He is up for the day at 5:30am no matter what I try.

I try to nurse every 2 hours during the day, but he only eats for 2-3 minutes each time. I wish he'd take a bottle so I knew how much he was getting. My nipples have cuts from his 6 teeth. I would quit breastfeeding if I could.

Naps are still 30-40 minutes. It doesn't matter if the wake window is 2, 3, or 4 hours, we've tried it all. I don't get any down time once I've gone to the bathroom, had some food, and done the dishes etc.

All he's done for the past 2 weeks is whine and cry. He is so clingy and his mood swings are insane.

He can't play independently for more than a minute. Hasn't since birth. Hence why I can only go pee or make a coffee during his short naps. I need to always be 'on' and I just couldn't today.

My husband is working from home due to coronavirus but is very busy and is basically shut in the home office from 8-5, usually on conference calls so I feel the added pressure to keep baby quiet.

I'm tired. I'm so tired. And I feel like I'm doing a crappy job. I don't know why I'm writing this whether it's for pity, support, or just to know if someone out there is feeling the same. But if you've read this far, thank you.