Feelings after miscarriage

Hello ladies,

Today is my 30th bday and it is the first day im not bleeding after miscarrying our expected miracle. I find myself feeling emotionally worse than ever like since bleeding stopped my baby is truly gone. I also find i feel guilty when happy to have things i couldnt while pregnant like sushi and wine or for even celebrating my birthday. Bc of Covid i cant be with all my friends and family so just my siblings are coming over for a social distancing gathering but i feel like how can i celebrate a year older when this baby never will.

Just need to know im not nuts.