eating.... or i guess not eating....

this could be triggering for some people

i’m a 17 yo girl let me start off by saying, food and i have always had a weird relationship, often times growing up i’d eat and eat and not stop until i felt sick and had to stop. ive always been a skinny person and body dysphoria really kicked in in about 2016 when i was entering highschool. everyone always comments on how skinny i am and how they’re just so jealous but they have no idea how uncomfortable i am in my own body && it’s inability to gain weight no matter how hard i try. but then everything kinda flipped. i now have no interest in eating, it started off forgetting to eat dinner cause of my hectic sleeping schedule and waking up late everyday. the feeling of being hungry became something familiar to me..... i kind of started liking the feeling of being hungry ??? i still eat around friends and family, but very small portions. i hate having to pretend like i’ll eat the left overs my family leaves for me and tell them how good it was. i hate having to pretend like i don’t know what i want to eat when asked but really not wanting to eat at all. i hate having to accept the comments people give me on my body, but mostly i hate the way i have no idea what i’m doing, what’s going on with me, and not having the mental capacity to care about literally anything, but still caring so much at the same time.

thanks for taking the time to read this if you do, didn’t know who else to talk to..