I hate having flashbacks or normal memories (two different things, flashbacks are more intense and feel current, memories you can tell are things that happened in the past). I dont want my abusive past to be any part of my present or future but the pain and trauma from being sexually, emotionally and mentally abused just feels like it haunts me. I try to put on the facade that things are in the past and i know how to function and blah blah blah but man it is hard and it sucks. I feel alone eventhough i know plenty of people out there have experienced some type of abuse which makes me sad but it's comforting in a sad way to know that I'm not alone eventhough i wouldn't wish this on anyone else.

I have already been through the system when it comes to therapy, and i "outgrew" it when i turned 16 and then found another place to go to but when i turned 19 i was told there was nothing else she (my therapist) felt she could do and was being honest which i appreciated and understood. I knew all the tips and tricks, all the coping styles and book definitions, i learned it all. I went through it all from age 9 to 19. I was also on medication. Tried several types to see which ones fit, the ones the doctor and i settled on really worked and i was on them til i was 17 and was doing fine without them afterwards. Later on I tried to get back on them but i was so paranoid that i would try to do something stupid again (being vague to not trigger anyone) that i stopped a week in and havent started back up.

But with new daily day to day struggles and my mind finally breaking down mental walls and me trying to process traumatic things that happened when i was younger i wish i had a therapist to talk to. I'm not the same person i was when i was in therapy, my life went on and things changed and i wish what i realize now, i realized then when i had the chance to talk to someone, had a good support group and had more potential and what felt like more time to get control of my life.

Am i the only one who has these feelings?

Been through trauma that really started to affect you later on?

Feel lost or confused about what you're even doing and where to go day in and day out?

(I never post gifs when im really serious because i dont want people to think its lighthearted,

but i wanted to try to find one that can show how i really feel and what i would really be like if i was able to express myself when I have my bad moments. I would be the type to lay and just cry, have 0 energy or urgency in anything [like how she has no care that its raining on her or how the other lady is just blankly staring into the distance] to me its not being overdramatic, it how i feel and i have no way of expressing it so i just shut down)