i need help :(

i feel so low, everyday. my boyfriend is struggling with depression which means he sometimes takes it out on me. he is so cold. i feel the lowest i’ve felt since i was near suicide 2 years ago. i’m trying my hardest not to hurt myself or smoke shit tons of weed to numb myself from this pain but i already feel numb, to everything. i’m trying my hardest to improve this relationship but i feel like i’m at a dead end, if i break up with him i’ll be in so much grief i don’t know if i’ll be able to handle it. He will probably do something stupjd and i care about him too much to leave him. the thing is i love him to pieces, we’ve been together for over two years now and i feel like he’s the one i wanna spend my life with, it’s so hard to see the positives and i don’t know if all this hurt will be worth it in the end, i feel worthless. If i talk to my friends i feel like i’m putting them down and putting them in a bad mood and i don’t want that. i feel sick.