8 weeks away from C-section date.

I'm 29+1 and my C-section is at 37 weeks. This will be my second C-section, and I'm absolutely terrified. I was asleep for the first and had stopped breathing and lost my son. Ill be awake this time and I'm terrified. I don't know what to expect. I don't know how it's going to feel. I remember recovery and it was awful because I didn't take any pain medication at all. I don't plan on taking any this time either because im going to be breast feeding. Really wish I could have a natural birth like I want. 😭😭