***Warning: this is a long one, and it’s all over the place with no real purpose or direction, it’s one that almost didn’t get posted. Not a single person knows all of this information together. Certain aspects yes, but not everything. You are now that only person. I wish I was a better writer, or story teller. I don’t blame you if you don’t make it all the way 💕***

I’m 25 years old. I have always been someone to internalise, everything. Today, I have to write this all down, because 2020 has been hard, and I can’t internalise this while I’ve already got so much in there to deal with.

At 21 I had my first cervical screening test, I had been sexually active for less than 4 years. I had gone for STD checks but never a Pap smear. The results came back with ‘low grade changes’. I could have pooped my heart out.

I had been told leading up to my first CST not to worry, ‘it’s uncomfortable, but once it’s done you don’t have to worry about it for another 5 years, it’s better to be safe’... But it wasn’t over, I wasn’t prepared for a bad result.

I found out through the results that I have a strain of the human pap virus. The only std I’ve ever had in my life, still to this day. My boyfriend was a carrier, he passed it on to me. The strain I have is one which causes cervical cancer..

I was sent to the gyno for a colposcopy, I didn’t know anything about gyno’s or which ones were in my area. I was sent to a local male gyno. He explained nothing to me, never told me what he was doing or when. I’d like to say he had the best intentions but I’m not interested in making excuses for him, he was in no way comforting to me, as a young woman, who was scared. He hurt me so badly that I had tears streaming down the sides of my face, while I was laying in the chair, exposed.

The colposcopy results were clear, everything was perfectly healthy. I was told I would need to have another CST in 3 years, instead of 5. Breathe now.

Side note:

Now, when I was 20, I found out I was pregnant to my boyfriend. Unplanned (I’ve been told I’m highly fertile). I was so excited, so nervous. People have career ambitions or travel dreams, I have an undying need to be a mother. It’s always been there. It was happening...

The biggest regret of my short life so far, has been listening to everyone around me at that time. No one was interested in supporting me. Not one person. I still lived with my parents, I wasn’t in a financial situation to up and move out right then and there. But that was the threat I was left with if I had the baby. My parents had children very young, 16 and 17. They thought they were being wise and making the right decision for me.

But I had a termination, and I will randomly think about that termination and my stomach will float up into my throat, I’ll get choked up, and I’ll pull myself together again. I don’t know if I’ll ever get passed it. But it was a huge decision, and it wasn’t mine, but I made it anyway. Not one ounce of me has ever been at peace with the decision. Even a few years later when my relationship turned violently toxic.

In April of this year, a completely different woman in a completely different situation, much stronger in every aspect of my life, I discovered I was pregnant, again. I missed 4-5 OCP’s, I even took the morning after pill after having an accident with the condom during sex with my long time sex buddy. I went for the blood test to confirm, which flagged some low numbers which made doctors suspect two things: an ectopic pregnancy, or a threatened miscarriage, requiring further testing. The nurse on hand tried to take an ultrasound to confirm pregnancy, I have a retroverted uterus which makes it impossible to get clear pictures externally. She denied my offer to have an internal ultrasound and took photos of what she could, though she said she couldn’t confirm what she snapped was the egg.

I had some spotting while waiting for the results of the blood tests, along with some period like cramping, very very mild. When results came in I got a call from the doctor at the clinic to take myself immediately to the emergency room, she suspected I had an ectopic pregnancy. Because of COVID-19 I had to go alone. It was confirmed that I was having a miscarriage, after being poked and prodded for 3 hours. I was almost 8 weeks.

I made the decision with my women’s health clinic to take the tablets that are used for a medical termination, it was a safe way to ensure everything came out and I wouldn’t be in any danger, and I just wanted to get it over and done with. My emotions were everywhere, within two weeks I had found out I was having a baby, and then that I wasn’t.

I took the tablets and spent 6 hours in unbelievable pain, even with my high pain tolerance. One massive pain. The most painful contraction I had over that time, threw me out of bed instinctively, knocked the wind right out of my chest. I went to the toilet and there it was, the little baby inside an egg, sitting on the toilet paper in my hand. I could see it’s eyes. It looks just like the cartoon pictures you see when you google 8 week pregnancy. I must have sat there for more than 10 minutes just looking. The physical pain went away, but I laid in bed for 4 days. I never knew losing a pregnancy I didn’t plan would hurt this way, I had barely got used to the idea of it, I thought I’d be fine.

After the passing of the sac, doctors told me they suspected I had both an inter-uterine pregnancy AND ectopic pregnancy. I was so numb by this point. I let them poke me with needles and put ultrasound wands inside me without blinking an eye. Another pregnancy, an ectopic one was ruled out. Finally.

I sought out a new female GP after all this. I cried as soon as I met her for the first time, I told her everything, and also told her about a pain I’d been having when I was going to the toilet to poo. My mum has endometriosis, I was having the same symptoms. With the luck I was having I thought the hormones in the medication I took for the miscarriage, mixed with not taking the OCP for a few weeks had intensified endometriosis pains that had gone unnoticed. I got the all clear and the pains went away.

I had my second CST last month. Three weeks ago. I waited for a letter to tell me the results were okay. HPV is supposed to fix itself, your body gets rid of the virus on its own. I was much more hopeful this time. I received a phone call instead. Bad results.

My doctor told me for whatever reason I hadn’t managed to fight off the virus. This time I received results of high grade changes. I requested a female gyno (I refused to go back to the last one) and made an appointment.

I had that appointment yesterday. I went in and spoke to a lovely lady, she filled me in with some more details of my screening results. She explained in detail exactly what she was going to do, she explained what a colposcopy was. It was my second one and yet that was the first time I found out what it is.

She took me in the room and talked my fear away, she calmed me, she didn’t hurt me, she gave me tips for parts that might hurt. In a colposcopy they apply two solutions to your cervix, one is a vinegar mixture, the other is an iodine solution. Both of these highlight areas where cells are either unhealthy, or just don’t look right. They then use a special camera/scope to assess your cervix. I waited for her to give me the all clear and tell me I had to come back in 3 years instead of 5 (which I was slack with due to losing my last female gp and procrastinating looking for a new one I could trust).

Her words were ‘Tahlia, I see something I don’t like. I’m going to have to take a biopsy of this particular area to send away to be tested.’

I went cold. I felt the heat of my body drain from my head to my feet in the stirrups.

(Turns out I have to post this in two parts... it was too long)