In 2012 I found out I was pregnant at 11 weeks along, I was so excited and couldn't wait! Fast forward a few weeks to when we (my now ex husband) found out what we were having, the lady asked what we thought we were having he said girl and I said "I think it's a boy, but as long as it's healthy I don't care!" The nurse said "Looks like Mama is right! You're having a boy!" We were so thrilled and I cried tears of joy. After a minute I realized the lady was looking concerned and so I was automatically scared, then she said the words that I really didn't want to hear.. "Um hold on just a sec, I need to go get the doctor". My heart sunk and I knew something was wrong, I could see him moving so I knew it wasn't that, but I was 17 I didn't know anything about what else could possibly go wrong. The doctor came in and after a minute of her looking at him she said "It looks like your son is developing a Congenital Diaphragmatic Hernia...." And proceeded to explain, but I didn't hear anything after that, I didn't know what it was.

Now here is a little back story of my life. I was born with Chiari One Malformation, my mom did drugs and avoided going to the doctor, don't worry my Grandma got custody of me not long after I was born, but we didn't find out about my Chiari until I was 12. The doctor said it was the worst he had seen and I literally could have died at any point in my life if I got hit in the head in the wrong spot. It was so serious that he didn't want to wait until spring break, cause we found out mid January, for brain surgery to fix it. I had surgery less than a week after finding out.

When I found out about being pregnant I told the OB that I had Chiari, so she was checking for that pretty regularly even though it's not hereditary. I also told my Neurologist that I was pregnant and because of my surgery, even though it had been a few years, he said I couldn't and shouldn't push and I should have a c section..so we made that part of the birth plan before we even knew about his CDH, after we found out about the CDH they said it really was "best to have a c section if I decide not to terminate". Termination never even crossed my mind when I found out and I was actually really mad for a bit after they said that. I understand now, but that was never an option for me I was going to give him a chance to fight, even if it broke my heart and soul in the long run.

Now, it's March 16th 2013, my 18th birthday! My ex and I had plans for my birthday and we were suppose to have a blast! Levi, my son, wasn't due until April 16th so even though I was huge (he didn't drink his amniotic fluid as fast as he peed it out according to the doctors) I thought I had some time. Well I woke up and was having back labor, which I didn't know I was for a few hours, I explained to his mom (she's a RN) what was going on and she said we should go to the hospital so we did. The intern checked me and was like "Oh you're okay, you are only 2cm dilated." Not even five minutes later my doctor (we got an expert in CDH cause I have connections luckily) came in and he was like "Oh no sweetie, this baby is coming! You are 9 cm and have a bulging bag! It's time!" So Levi was born and I didn't get to see him until hours later cause the meds and all that.

April 12th my ex and I got married and about 3 hours later we got a call saying "You need to come, Levi isn't going to make it through the night" he had had a couple other problems along the way, survived a heart surgery, and developed hydrosephelis. We rushed to the hospital and my ex asked the doctor to call it after midnight so it wouldn't be ON our wedding night. The dr told me that she believed he got meningitis from all his tubes and that's what killed him. The first time I held my son, he died in my arms. It was the 12th, I could feel it, and my ex wasn't a good person, I got maybe an hour to hold my son and then he said "Okay let's go I am tired" and that was literally the last thing he said to me until one night about 6 months later he was drunk and he just randomly said "It's your fault Levi is dead cause I have a healthy living daughter so it has to be you!" And I left. That was that.

Now, I am with an incredible man who loves me and treats me wonderfully and he has been bringing up me getting off the pill because he wants to start a family, but I'm so scared that what if it really was something with me that caused Levi's problems? The doctors said they don't know what causes CDH, but still I'm scared. Other doctors have said there is nothing wrong with me it was just a freak accident, but what if it happens again? Obviously, I would give the baby a chance just like Levi, but if it died and I lose 2 babies... I wouldn't make it through that kind of thing again. Idk what to do..

Sorry this is so long.